Killing time on a Monday off work (woo!)

So I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon, and I don't know what to expect. She's just my GP, and won't be my OB, so I think all she'll do is have me pee in a cup (or maybe do a blood test) and then refer me to an OB. Oh, and in there somewhere we'll have to talk about the MRI I have scheduled for March 31 to have a look at that cyst on my ovary. I hope she doesn't get pissed at me for getting pregnant before I had that all worked out.

I'm so excited to get referred to my OB, and get my 8 wk ultrasound booked.

Oh, and I still don't feel pregnant. My boobs are definitely starting to grow though. And I'm hungry all the time still.

And yesterday, no food sounded good. We were at my mother-in-law's for breakfast and she prepared this huge spread, and I hardly ate anything. I took some Pawa (a rice dish she does for brunch) and some cucumbers and tomatoes, but nothing else looked good. But I kept myself busy and my plate full so nobody noticed I hadn't eaten anything of substance. I forced myself to eat dinner, but it still didn't taste good.

Saw this on theBump...

Too true

is this because I'm pregnant, or....

So yesterday I couldn't eat enough. I spent the day absolutely ravenous, despite the meals and snacks. I'm already used to eating snacks between meals because I'm hypoglycemic. But yesterday, it wasn't just a little hunger. It was a hollow black hole in my stomach that no amount of food could fill. And then two hours later, I was starving again.

This morning I woke up starving, despite having a big late dinner at 9:00. And yet, now that I'm eating some toast with peanut butter (hoping the carb/protien combo will help fill me up) I'm feeling very slightly vaguely nauseas. But I don't know if that's the famed bane of pregnant women rearing its ugly head (already?! I'm not even 5 weeks pregnant!) or if it's a byproduct of having low blood sugar due to the hunger, which does happen if I haven't eaten frequently enough. I've been up since 6 and am only eating breakfast now at 7:30 - but that's totally normal for me. Breakfast is always the last thing I do before I leave the house (and sometimes while I'm in the car) so I'm not starving by 9:30.

On one tiny little bitty hand, morning sickness would be almost sort of welcome - but only because it would make me feel pregnant (though I'd gladly accept any other PG symptom in its place). But on the other hand, I'd like to be able to eat my toast (and anything else I want) in peace.

Otherwise, I still don't feel pregnant.

Have I mentioned that I love my job?

So, I told my boss yesterday! I know it's crazy early, but we're really close and it was funny how it came up.

She and I went for coffee yesterday, and when we got back to our department she pulled me into her office and closed the door and said excitedly, "I have news! --no, I'm not pregnant! haha" and then told me that we've won a workplace award that I put an application in for in the fall. So we talked about that for a minute. (note: She's well into her 40s and done with kids, so the "I'm not pregnant" thing was totally a joke)

So the whole time I was thinking, should I tell her? It's such a perfect opportunity!
So after we had talked work for a few minues, I said "So... I have news" She she didn't even hesitate, and said "You're pregnant!" and jumped up, ran around the desk and hugged me.

I told her we just found out and I'm only 3-4 weeks along so it's hush-hush, but she's so excited. And made me promise I'll come back after mat leave because she said she doesn't know what she'll do without me :)

She knew back in the fall that we had decided to start trying, and said yesterday that she was hoping I'd tell her when I had good news but didn't want to pry. I'm so lucky that my boss is awesome.

I did it!

I managed to get up and pee this morning like a normal person - not on a pregnancy test!! I'm so proud of me.

I still have one test left, and I'm sure I'll use it. I'm just still so worried that I'll wake up and not be pregnant anymore. I don't know what the odds are of miscarrying (I could google it, but I'm worried that the truth will terrify me) but I'm worried. Probably have no reason to be, but I am.

We're going to look at some more houses tomorrow, I think. We went Monday night and saw two that I could see us living in. We're cautious, and don't want to sell our condo and buy a house until 2nd Tri (just in case) but we want to know what's on the market, and what neighbourhoods are nice. And really, it's kind of fun :)

My name is Daphne, and I have a problem

I can't stop peeing on sticks.

Even after yesterday's digital, I still *needed* to test again this morning. I still had 2 tests left, and I just really wanted to see a dark pink line - one that I didn't have to squint to see.

So I peed this morning, and there it was: pink, visible, and beautiful. Much darker than Monday's (but still not as dark as the control line).

I seriously have a problem.

Clear Blue says it's true!

So Sunday marked 10 DPO (I eventually overrode Fertility Friend, making my O date Thursday instead of Friday), and I thought I'd start testing at 10.

Somewhere deep down, I suspected I might be pregnant. But I didn't want to get too excited. I had really tender nips, which isn't normal for me even with PMS. Otherwise, no symptoms at all.

So on Sunday, I woke up at 4:30 and took my temp. It went up. And then I could not for the life of me fall back asleep as I kept thinking about what that raised temp could mean. After about a 1/2 hour of trying to sleep, I decided screw it, I'm going to pee on a stick. I told Nick that I'm going to test, and off I go. (BTW, I'm calling him Nick from now on. It's not his real name, but it sounds kind of like his real name. So officially, my husband will be named Nick in cyberspace, just as I am Daphne.)

'Cept that I couldn't find the damn instructions for the tests. We bought a bunch in bulk, and they came with one instruction sheet. I haven't seen it since last month, and I couldn't remember how long I should pee on the stick, and how long until results. Is it 5 seconds of peeing and 10 minutes of waiting? Or 10 seconds of peeing and 5 minutes of waiting??

So I went digging through the pile of papers on our desk, where everything seems to end up eventually after we do a mad-dash de-TTCing of the condo when people are on their way over to our place. Nick is all "what the hell are you doing??". I couldn't find the instructions. Then I went to the company's website and found the online version of the instruction sheet, and off to pee I go. (10 seconds, 10 minutes for these tests)

And lo and behold... something appeared. I woke Nick up fully by turning on his light and told him that I think I see a line. He squinted at it in the light of his bedside lamp, but I eventually made him get up and look at it in the real light.

He said, "I don't know if that's a line, or if it's on the plastic." Not content with his suggestion to wait and test again on Monday, I dug the little plastic cover off, and there it is - a light pink line that definitely isn't the plastic cover.

Shocked and awed, we went back to bed. Got up at 8:30, and tested again. Even fainter, but still there.

(I know you can't see the line in the top one - that still has the plastic on it so it's reflective. But it's there!)

And I tested yesterday too. Still faint, but definitely pink. The prettiest little pink line I've ever seen.

And today... a digital!


So that's it - no denying it! I'm knocked the F up! It's crazy and hard to believe, but Clear Blue says so! Four months of "hard work" and here we are!

I have a doctor's appointment next Monday to do a blood test and whatever else she does. Then she'll refer me to an OB/GYN.

So if all goes well, I'll be a mommy in November! How freaking crazy is that? Just over one year from the time I decided I actually want kids, and we'll have a baby!

WHOA. a baby. A little mix of me and Nick. Holy Crap. We've been joking that when I get pregnant, we'll say that we're baking a little brownie (because I bake all the time, and our babe will likely be a light brown-ish mix between my ghostly whitness and Nick's Indian brown-ness). Holy crap, I have a little brownie in my oven!

So I'm home sick today (stupid cold, and I can't take cold medicine now!) so I'm googling my arse off, and reading the pregnancy books that have been sitting in my bedside table for 4 months.

Here's the BFP chart:

I'm off. Google awaits!

I’ve been meaning to blog for over a week, but every time I’ve found some time, I just couldn’t be bothered. Winter makes me lazy. But since I don’t feel like working, I shall blog. Nice.

So here’s what’s going on: My best friend Bev just had her baby! A 10 pound baby boy. We’re going to drive to London tomorrow to meet the new little man, and see their first born son for the first time in ages. Can’t wait to spoil another little guy rotten. I love being Aunt Daphne.

I’m in the two-week wait. 7DPO, according to fertility friend, but I think I’m 8DPO. I don’t know why it set my O date the day *after* I had eggwhite and O cramps… it’s a mystery. I’ll start testing on Sunday when I think I’m 10 DPO. We still have 5 cheap pregnancy tests left, plus a digital, so I can pee on sticks as much as I want.

Staying constant - oh, and we're trying this month, it's decided

I'm doing better with my Bump addiction these days. I haven't gone on theBump during work hours recently (maybe just because I've been so damn busy at work, but still, a success is a success). As much as I enjoy reading through the snark and the really helpful posts and having a community of women in the same boat as me, I think it just makes me obsess about my own chart more than is healthy.


So far this month I've been sleeping normally, not waking up at ungodly hours anxious to temp. Maybe this is a good sign for me. Also, my chart isn't nearly as rocky as the past three months have been - I'm pretty much hovering around a constant temp. Hopefully this will make it easier for me to determine my O date than it has been in previous months - no false dips and rises so far.



Alright, I'm off to work. I'm downtown today at another office (we acquired a company in December, so I'm going down to determine their communication needs). Guess I should look it up on a map so I have a clue where I'm going.

Off hold and onto the fence

We don't know what we're doing now.
We're in limbo - to try this month or not to try? If we try, I'll have to push my MRI to the end of the month (and cancel it if I get pregnant). If I get pregnant this month, we'll have yet another November baby in our family - but do we care? I just don't know anymore.

My damn period is still here, so we have some time to decide, but not much.

In other news, my mom's coming up to visit this weekend and I'm actually looking forward to it. I've hardly seen her since Christmas, so it'll be nice to spend some time together. I'm sure I'll change my mind when she's at our place from Friday until Sunday (one day too long, as always) but for today, I'm optimistic.

Work is absolutely mental. I'm trying to prepare the All-Employee Meeting, and I don't know how I'm supposed to get it all done - I could probably work from now until Monday morning with no breaks, and then maybe I'd be ready for next week. Maybe. I may or may not have a nervous breakdown, but at least I know that when February's over, it'll get back to normal again.

On Hold.

I made it through day 12 (woo hoo for having a normal LP!) and tested again this morning - BFN. And now I'm spotting. Boooooo.
I'm pretty damn dissappointed. Not just because I'm not pregnant this cycle, but also because it means we have to wait until April now to start trying again. I was really REALLY hoping we'd be pregnant this cycle so we wouldn't have to wait 3 months, but here we are. April, for eff sake.

The positives (because I'm desperately trying to be positive):

• I can drink. And I will.
• I can screw the decaf for a couple of months and be fully caffeinated again
• I can give my thermometer a break. I know that I should use this break as a chance to get to know my body better, but I really just want to stop setting my alarm for 6 a.m. on weekends again. Maybe I'll still chart through the week, but take weekends off. That might be a good compromise.
• I can stop compulsively checking my CM every time I have to pee.
• I can stop dreading going to the bathroom for fear that I might find that I got my period.
• I can continue using the salacylic acid facewash that I love
• I can try to focus on something else for a change. Everything besides baby-making has been put on hold since we decided to TTC, so maybe it's time to take back my life.
• My husband can stop stressing over whether or not to be house shopping for a few months, at least.
• I can drink. Did I mention that already? Cuz ya, it'll be nice to have some wine.
• We can go back to having normal sex again when we feel like it, not because my thermometer says we probably should.
• I can stop obsessing over my chart at every waking moment of the day.
• I can stop obsessing over theBump. Maybe this will cure my addiction.
• I can stop dreaming about testing every night.

But seriously, shit. Why the hell did I have to get my period??? Eff.

Daphne, the blubbering fool

I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor yesterday to discuss the results of my December ultrasound (feel free to relive the horror here). And great, they did find a cyst on my left ovary, just as my doctor thought she felt during my annual exam.

I was a blubbering mess in her office yesterday - and this is just one of the many reasons why I can't have a male doctor. I can't be a blubbering fool with a man doctor.


Anyway, it doesn't seem like it's the end of the world, though it felt like it yesterday. What sucked most was that she couldn't give me any real answers - she couldn't say what kind of cyst, why it's there, or what it means. It's a small cyst, and it doesn't look cancerous. They don't think it'll be a problem, but I have to do an MRI to be sure (they don't know if it's in my ovary, or around it, or attached). Also, the other stuff they were checking for in the abdominal ultrasound came back normal (my mom has polycystic kidneys, and my materal grandpa died of it).


However, I was told I should lay off trying to get pregnant for now, so they can do the MRI without fear. That's okay though, because we were going to put TTC on hold for a few months now anyway. So I guess if there was a 'good' time to investigate an ovarian cyst, it's now.

Yesterday, after the blubbering, I had to take my contacts out and go to work wearing glasses (which I never do). At the end of the day, my boss says to me, "Daphne, don't take this the wrong way, but whenever you wear your glasses, I always think you look like you're about to cry!" I reassured her: "Oh, that's okay! The only time I actually wear my glasses is if I have a migraine or if I have been crying and my eyes are puffy! It's not the glasses, it's me!"


Anyway, away from my ovaries and occular puffiness, into my uterus:


It's day 11DPO and no temp drop yet or sign of my period. I only made it to 10 last month before the chart nosedive. Here's hoping it's a normal LP this month (but since I'm hoping, would it be too much to ask to be actually pregnant??). I tested yesterday and today - BFN, obviously. I'm so glad we bought the cheap tests from the Pre-Seed website! Wasting a $2.50 test on day 10 is much better than wasting a $12.00 one!

Yesterday, when my husband woke up, he asked me "how are you feeling?". I thought he was referring to the absolutely noxious gas I had been suffering from the night before (well, he suffered from it too ;) I said "fine" and didn't think much of it. Last night he told me what he was really asking about. He says that every morning he hopes I'm going to say that I'm feeling sick - as in, morning sickness. Cute... though in essence, he's hoping his wife feels horrible. But cute nonetheless.

Alas, no nausea, or any other phantom symptoms, for that matter. I'm at 9DPO today. The longest LP I've had so far is 10, so here's hoping. I'll test tomorrow, though I know I'll likely get a -ve that early, even if I was pregnant.


I went back to bed for 15 minutes this morning after I temped, and I dreamt that I POAS and got a faint second line. Here's hoping the dream was prophetic, not just wishful thinking.

Cramps left, so who knows what that was about. Here's where I'm at today at 6DPO:

No time to post, I'm off to my dad's house in London to celebrate his birthday.

Aaaaand....

Now I'm crampy. I spent most of last night thinking that these cramps can only mean my period is coming.

Then I went to the washroom to find more EWCM. What the hell??

My body is seriously Effed UP.

Cautiously optimistic

Well, my ovaries might have come back from vacation on Sunday, it turns out. FF gave me crosshairs today, so I'm hopeful. I'd like my temp to go up more tomorrow though, so DH and I can take a break in good conscience.

Apparently, my ovaries are still on vacation.

What the hell is this:

Day effing 25, and no sign of ovulation?!

Given, I went on vacation, which can throw things off a bit, but seriously! My CM was pointing to day 19, which would have been groovy (I O'd on day 18 last month) but then nothing happened. I was just annoyed, but now I'm pissed. Why have my ovaries forsaken me??

To make matters worse, we're taking 2 months off to avoid yet another November/December baby in the family (really, there's so much family drama every year, it's for the best) so it looks like this is it. Either I ovulate now and it's our last chance, or I don't, and that's it until April. APRIL. That's efftacular.

Seriously ovaries, I get it. Vacation is great. We all love vacation, and I don't begrudge you that. But I let you slack while I was on the pill for 12 bloody years, so I think you should be rested up by now! Now wake up and spit out an egg so my husband and I can get to work fertilizing it, or let me get my damn period so we can take a freaking day off the baby-making!

Rant over. Off to work where I can't stress about my ridiculous temperatures. Daphne out.

Daphne in 2008 - a look back

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Not much, sadly. 2008 was a pretty status quo year. I guess I got a job I loved, and that was new for me.
2. Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Probably not. I’m guessing since I don’t remember if I even made resolutions that I didn’t keep them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister-in-law had a baby boy in September
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My best friend’s grandparents – I’ve known them my whole life, and they were wonderful people.
5. What countries did you visit?
Jamaica, Cuba
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A baby (or at least, a baby bump!)
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 25 – the day I started at my fabulous job.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Got a fantastic job that I can’t picture myself leaving. Wow, sounds like 2008 really was the year of my career, wasn’t it?
9. What was your biggest failure?
I don’t think I really had a big failure in 08
10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
Luckily, no.
11. What was the best thing someone bought you?
A cappuccino machine from my wonderful husband
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
I have no idea what that means
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and/or depressed?
A couple of my in-law’s in-laws. (One sister-in-law’s mother-in-law, and another sister-in-law’s mother- and father-in-law)
14. Where did most of your money go?
Eating out and gifts for family. And I guess a couple of vacations, too.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Potentially going to India (but we didn’t end up going), and the decision to TTC
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
I can’t think of one
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier
b) fatter or skinnier? Hmm… I feel fatter, but probably the same
c) richer or poorer? Richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Saw more friends… it was a year of endless family gatherings, so I seemed to never have time to see my friends.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Driving back and forth to London for family stuff.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
I spent it in London, divided between my mom’s, my dad’s, and my in-laws’.
21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I fall in love with my husband all the time
22. How many one night stands?
negatory
23. What was your favourite TV program?
Probably Mythbusters or Chuck/Heroes Mondays.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. I don’t think I hate anyone. There are people who drive me a little mental, but not hate.
25. What was the best book you read?
Nothing really noteworthy
26. What was your greatest musical discovery of the year?
Nada
27. What did you want and get?
A cappuccino machine
28. What did you want and not get?
Pregnant
29. What was your favourite film of this year?
Not sure… I don’t think I saw a lot of movies in 08
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 28 4/4… or 29. Sigh. I took a vacation day and went to the spa for a pedicure, then went for dinner with my husband.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I think it was really satisfying already
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Shoes. And more shoes. And a lot of new v-neck sweaters – not exactly a fashion concept, but there it is.
33. What kept you sane?
My husband and my manager
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Chuck – or whoever the guy is who plays Chuck on “Chuck”.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
I don’t get stirred by politics.
36. Who do you miss?
My girlfriends
37. What was the best thing you ate?
I have no idea, but judging by how tight my jeans are, I must have eaten a lot of great things.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008?
Wow, I can’t think of a life lesson I learned. That’s sad.

We'll take a coconut full of kindness yet, for auld lang syne

Well, it's officially 2009 and I'm back at work after almost 2 weeks off (I mean, um... at home.... because I wouldn't dare to blog from work, of course). I haven't updated since before Christmas, so I'm going to point-form my updates, in no particular order:

• I rang in the new year in Cuba with my husband, and celebrated with a few glasses of champagne.
• I made it to 10 DPO last month (hooray!) and got my period on Boxing Day morning (boo)
• I spent Christmas Day hopeful of a BFP, though I POAS in the morning to get a BFN
• My 18 month old nephew came to Christmas dinner wearing a shirt that says, "Big Brother" - my sister-in law is expecting their second! They were only at 6 weeks, but didn't know when they'd see us next so wanted to announce it to us and mom. When my sister-in-law asked him, "Ty, do you want a little brother or little sister?" he said, without hesitating, "Little sister!" Awwww.... so cute.
• I had my first wave of horrible, all-consuming jealousy when I saw how excited my brother and sister-in-law were. I finally understood all the girls on theBump - it was my first time feeling the overwhelming "WHY NOT ME?" when they found out someone else was PG. I was hoping all day that I'd get a BFP the next morning so that my SIL and I would be PG together, only 2 weeks apart. I was really, REALLY dissappointed the next morning, and so was DH.
• On the 28th, I went to a Puja for my youngest nephew (a Hindu blessing ceremony, and in this case, it was kind of the Hindu equivalent of a baptism). Apparently, someone at the Puja (some random Uncle that I've only met once at my wedding) asked our friend Paul's parents if I'm pregnant. Awesome. So now there's a rumour going around that I'm pregnant and I'm not. (Though we had Paul tell his mom that we're not, so hopefully that made it back to this gossiping uncle I don't even know). Just proves that I have gained weight, and people have noticed. That sucks. We told my MIL that Paul's mom asked if I'm pregnant and she was furious that her so-called friends are gossiping about me. She didn't even pause to ask if there was any truth to the gossip, just immediately thought they were insinuating that I've put on weight. She's going to be so shocked when we do get to tell her we're pregnant ;) She's not expecting it at all.
• I'm back on the beach today. No, not Playa Esperanza in Cuba (I wish) .... I'm back on South Beach to get rid of my Christmas / All-Inclusive Vacation chub. I'm incredibly motivated to lose this weight. I want to be cute pregnant, not fat pregnant where people just think I'm getting chunky.
• The trip was a great way to skip past the first part of my cycle without stressing about my temperatures. Today's day 12 of my cycle, and I'm back to temping. I just hope the trip didn't push my ovulation date back, but we shall see. Last month I O'd on day 18.
• We're back on the baby-making train as of today. Since we don't really know when I'll O, we're just going to do every-other day this week, and then every day starting on the weekend, from day 16 onward).
• We're expecting a shipment of Pre-Seed this week (hopefully today), and we ordered a bunch of their cheapie PG tests. So this month, I won't feel bad about POAS at 10 DPO.
• I'm actually glad I didn't get PG last month (despite the horrible wave of envy on Christmas), because it meant I could 'go out with a bang' in Cuba with the alcohol and caffeine. And now, I'm back to a dry, caffeine-free existance.
• I hope month 3 of TTC is our month. Third time's a charm....?
• I finally got to drink something out of a coconut! Coconut milk and Malibu rum. MMMMmmmm. That in itself made my vacation. And every drink had a twisty straw in it. Nothing says vacation like twisty straws.
• Christmas at my in-laws' was pretty uneventful, but good. It was weird not getting any presents - we only did gifts for kids this year. Also, because my MIL had just gotten back from India, they didn't have a Christmas tree up. We gathered the presents around the TV. Classy ;)
• We still got spoiled rotten at my mom's on Christmas day.
• I have freckles and am tanned by Daphne standards... but nobody else would know I went away unless I told them. I guess I should just be thankful that I didn't get burnt.
• I miss the beach. I miss the smell of sunscreen. I miss not wearing sweaters and coats and boots. I miss not setting an alarm. I miss not worrying about my temperature or my CM. I miss having normal sex when we want to, not dictated by the day of the month or my temperature. I miss not sitting at a desk. I miss not worrying about getting laundry done or buying groceries. I miss lying on a chaise lounge, reading all afternoon. I miss Cuban music. I miss how relaxed my husband was on vacation.
• I don't miss vacation hair (curly and weird due to the humidity). I don't miss covering my body in sunscreen every few hours. That's about all I miss.

Alright. I guess I should work or something. Happy 2009 everyone!

9DPO... and a big temp drop

Well, I made it through day 8 with no cramping or spotting, which is when I got it last month. I'm on day 9 today, and had a big temp drop this morning, which could mean two things: I'm getting my period today / tomorrow, or a fertilized egg is making itself at home in my uterus. I'm betting on scenario 1, but we shall see. I'll take my stupid thermometer to London to temp tomorrow, just to see if it goes back up, but I don't think I'll temp over the holidays otherwise. I don't like the idea of getting up at 6 a.m. on vacation. I don't mind it tomorrow, because I'll be waking up early to fill my mom's stocking anyway. But after that, screw BBT!

So I'm crossing my fingers that I don't get crampy today and I go at least one more day without my period. If I can just get to 10 DPO, I'll know my body could sustain a pregnancy, if I'm lucky enough :)

On a non-pregnancy related note, it's Christmas Eve! Holy crap, when did that happen? It really snuck up on me this year. I just finally started feeling Christmasy on Monday, which is abnormal for me. I think it's because N and I have been really busy and stressed with work, looking at houses, figuring out our finances, and trying to get pregnant. Pretty much since our ill-fated India trip, we've had our minds elsewhere. So it'll be great to just relax for a few days (well, 'relax' with family mayhem all around us, but whatever).

Then, next Tuesday, we're off to Cuba! Can't wait!

Well, off to get some work done. The office is closing at 3, so I should actually be productive for the rest of the day.

Merry Christmas Eve!

Heading into the Holidays

Well, I'm 7DPO. Last month I only made it to 8 DPO and had some cramping, and got my period the next day. Fingers crossed for a longer LP this month!

Provided I don't get my period early, I'll be testing on Christmas morning at my mom's house (which will only be 10 DPO, so I'm expecting a negative). Then, barring no positive test or period, I'll test again on the 29th at 14 DPO. Even if we get a negative this month, I'll count it successful if I at least have a longer LP, meaning that my body *could* sustain a pregnancy.

And the super-exciting thing: We're leaving for Cuba on the 30th! We decided to screw saving money and go away while we can! So the trip will be a celebration either way - if we (fingers crossed) get a big fat positive, we'll be celebrating with virgin cocktails on the beach. If we get a BFN, we'll be ringing in the new year with lots of booze :)

So... I have 8 days to lose 10 pounds before the beach. Not gonna happen, especially over Christmas. Craptacular. My bathing suit definitely does not fit. Crap. So much holiday binging... and it's not even Christmas yet! I'm screwed.

If I was pudgy because I was 3 months pregnant, it would be cute. But pudge due to too many Christmas cookies is not so cute.

I'm sorry, the WHAT-Vag??

I had an ultrasound scheduled for today - abdominal to check on some family history kidney stuff, and pelvic, because my doc. thought she might have felt a cyst during my annual exam.
She did not tell me the pelvic was INTERNAL.

So my temperature shot up this morning. I wake DH up to get a quickie in before I get ready for my 8 a.m. appointment.

I endure 1 full hour of abdominal ultrasound, and then an ultrasound tech comes in to basically train the doctor on pelvic exams. She says to the doctor, "okay, now we'll do the trans-vag..." I'm sorry, the WHAT?? This is when I realize it's an internal exam. I was mortified. I had just had sex 2.5 hours before!

So ya, the two of them poke around in there FOR ANOTHER HOUR, pointing out that I'm ovulating right now (glad I was right - that's the good news) and pointing to some "free fluids" floating around in there, likely related to ovulation (ya... I can guess what that is, and it's indirectly related to ovulation...).

So I'm pissed. First, that they're using me as a training manual for this doctor to poke around in. Second, that this appointment took over 2 hours and I had to head to work covered in ultrasound goo. And most importantly, third, that I had to have this damn ultrasound today of all days, with un-fertility-friendly lube. So now I'm convinced that the poking and prodding (ouch!) and Effing with my PH has wrecked this cycle.

And after all that, I know NOTHING. The technician and doctor were talking to each other the whole time - not to me. So I just heard snippets of things, but they were speaking quietly and I couldn't see the monitor. I think I do have a cyst on my left ovary (because I heard blah blah cystic blah...), but I don't know for sure. And she said a bunch of other scary words (.... endo.... blah blah blah....) but I couldn't hear if she was talking about me in particular, or just people in general.

Pissed. And I feel bruised from the insides out. And I think this month is a write off. Awesome.

Not a good day.

In honour of my 100th post - 100 things about me

(I stole this idea from Kaymee)

1. My real name isn't Daphne - it's a nickname I got at my first highschool job as a baker, because I stood in the kitchen like Daphne from Scooby Doo. I've blogged as Daphne ever since.
2. I love baking - I bake when I'm happy, sad, angry, bored... it always makes me calm.
3. I started my first blog before I went backpacking through Europe. It was my lazy way of writing home without having to write to people personally.
4. I hate talking on the phone, except to my best friend Bev. We can talk for hours.
5. I wish I talked to my brother more than I do.
6. I can't go to Shoppers Drug Mart without buying lipgloss.
7. I have a zillion purses that I never use.
8. I can't stop buying shoes.
9. I'm a natural blonde.
10. I really should shave my legs more often for my husband's sake, but since you can barely see my leg hair, I can't be bothered.
11. My mom's a red head, and I swear, I got my hard-headedness and temper from her.
12. I kept my maiden name, and I struggle with the fact that our child(ren) will have a different name than me. But I don't want to change my name. Most days.
13. I'm one of the lucky few who truly likes their in-laws.
14. I've gotten to know my dad more in the past 6 years than I had my whole life combined.
15. I feel equally at home at my grandparents' house in Saskatchewan as I do in Toronto.
16. I kept my last name because I am so fiercely proud of my dad's family.
17. I don't really speak to anyone on my mom's side. Neither does she.
18. I'm really bad at correspondance.
19. I hate folding laundry.
20. I have terrible finger nails that never grow.
21. I've worn contact lenses since grade 8. I only wear my glasses at home or on weekends.
22. I get migraines every so often.
23. I've faked a migraine on more than one occasion to get a day off work.
24. When I work from home, I mostly watch TV with my email open.
25. I worry that I'll put on weight and always fight with it, like my mom.
26. I wish I knew more of my family heritage.
27. I hate basements. I think my brother jumped out at me one too many times as a child.
28. I hate numbers. I can't remember them (even my phone number), and they bewilder me (just figuring out what to tip on a bill makes me sweat).
29. I am a grammar nut.
30. I love my job, and I love my boss. I think I'm the only person I know who can say that.
31. I've read A Handmaid's Tale and The Princess Bride at least 15 times each.
32. I prefer pesto over tomato sauce 9 times out of 10.
33. I should floss more than I do. But I hate it.
34. I have a short attention span. I'll be gung-ho on something for maybe 2 weeks, then just stop.
35. I can't believe I've been taking pre-natal vitamins for 2 months and haven't missed a day. See #34.
36. I always wanted to eat the Dino Flintstones vitamins when I was a kid.
37. I ran away once - to my best friend's house, 3 crescents over. I got in so much trouble.
38. I was a pain in the ass when I was a kid, and I knew it. My brother was an angel; I drove babysitters away.
39. I lost my virginity at 16 to someone 5 years older than me.
40. I'm the only one of my highschool friend circle who didn't regret their 'first'. We dated for 8 months. He was a good guy.
41. I hate whiney men.
42. Hamlet was my least favourite Shakespearean play, because I just wanted him to make a freaking decision. Either kill Claudius, or don't. Just stop complaining!
43. I love my condo, and am sad that we'll have to move to a house when we get pregnant.
44. At the same time, I'm excited about having a house.
45. I have never mowed a lawn, and don't intend to.
46. I'm very handy. I love building or fixing stuff, and I LOVE power tools.
47. I hate clutter, yet I rarely put things away.
48. I like to wear matching underwear and bras.
49. I love infomercials. I could watch Ron Popeil all day.
50. I love my kitchenaid mixer more than any normal person should love an appliance.
51. I quit my job at Tim Horton's after 7 years there by just walking out 5 minutes into my shift. It just wasn't worth the stress, so I waited for the manager to come in, told her I was leaving, and handed my apron off to the other baker. And then I went to a bridal show with my best friend who was getting married.
52. I don't regret moving to Toronto, but I miss a lot of my girlfriends who still live in London.
53. I could have coffee at any time of day. 3 a.m. espresso? Yes, please!
54. If I hadn't run out of money, I would have never come home from Europe.
55. I now wish my then-boyfriend hadn't come to see me in Rome. I hate that all my memories of Rome are filled with him.
56. I lived with someone (not the Rome boyfriend) for 6 months during University. Looking back, I don't really know why. We hate that guy.
57. I wear far too much black. But it's flattering, so whatever.
58. I've finally come to terms with my pale skin. When I was younger, I tanned. Now, I'm at peace with how bloody white I am.
59. The only time in my life that I had a good tan was the summer I dated the man-whore lifeguard and spent most of my time at the lifeguard cottage. That was a kick-ass summer.
60. I've always wanted to play piano. I have a piano, but that's about as far as it's gotten (see #34).
61. I think I was born in the wrong era. I should have lived in the 40s and 50s.
62. I hate politics. My brain shuts off when The Situation Room is on.
63. I am full of useless facts. I love knowing stupid stuff that will never really come in handy.
64. I think my brother is the coolest guy on the planet.
65. I really used to try to piss my brother off when we were younger, and normally succeeded.
66. I never wanted a sister.
67. I loved being the youngest growing up.
68. I hated babysitting, but did it for a few years.
69. I got my first real job at 15 so I wouldn't have to babysit anymore.
70. I dated a Morman once. It didn't go so well, being that I'm athiest.
71. The only thing I liked about church when I was a kid was that I could sit with Bev. When she stopped going, it sucked.
72. I sang in choir all through school, from kindergarten to University.
73. My stage debut was in kindergarten - We sang "little lamb" at a Christmas concert. I had the solo (the lamb on the hillside) and the rest of the class sang chorus.
74. I remember pretty much every song I ever learned. Even French songs from grade 4.
75. I always have a song in my head - even if it's just a commercial. It's often something I don't particularly like.
76. I can't keep plants alive. This worries me, being that I'm on a quest to become a mother.
77. Motherhood scares the hell out of me... and excites me.
78. I don't want to become my mother, and I think the fear of becoming her is why I never wanted kids until now.
79. There are so many places I still want to travel to. I want to see the world - not just from a lounge chair.
80. I wish I was more active than I am. I'm just not motivated.
81. I can make conversation with pretty well anyone.
82. I hate talking to strangers in the elevator or on a plane... but I can, if I must.
83. I can't eat or even smell oatmeal without gagging. I had a bad experience in grade 1 that I just never got over.
84. I remember throwing up on the floor of Canadian Tire while my mom talked to a sales person about a bike for me. I felt terrible, but I didn't want to bug her because if I pissed her off, I thought she wouldn't buy me the bike. Then I threw up on the floor. She bought me the bike still, but not that day.
85. I loved having the chickenpox when I was a kid. We have a picture of me and my brother covered in calamine lotion - he looked surly, I was in heaven.
86. I've always felt younger than than I am - like I was always a little behind my friends, somehow. I think it's because I was a December baby. Some of my friends were almost a year older than I was.
87. I still have my baby blanket on my pillow at my mom's house. I'm not ashamed of this.
88. I hate the sight of blood. I passed out *before* giving blood at a highschool donor clinic.
89. I'm curious about really obscure things. Like, were people really rested in the winter in the times before electricity? Did they go to bed when it got dark?
90. I can't turn my brain off during sex. I find myself thinking really about really bizarre things and have to bring myself back to the moment.
91. I miss having pets. I hope to convince my husband someday to get a cat.
92. I never really grew out of rainbows and Santa and jumping in puddles.
93. I don't really feel like an adult, and I wonder if my parents, at my age, felt like adults. Probably not.
94. I don't let my husband read my blog, and I normally blog when he's not around. He hates that, but if he read it, how could I blog about him?
95. I'm normally in bed by 10:30 or 11 these days. I used to stay up late, but now I find it's just not worth it. I'm getting old.
96. I was always a bit of a shit disturber in school, but at the same time, I was kind of a teachers' pet. I'm a dichotomy.
97. I'm a sagittarius, and really do embody most of the sagittarian traits.
98. I think I had a past life where I lived in South Carolina. We went there when I was a kid, and visited a plantation. I knew the layout of the house before we were shown things. It freaked my mom out. But I just knew, somehow.
99. I'm hypoglycemic, and have passed out at various times throughout my life. One of those times was at that plantation.
100. I can't believe I actually just made it to 100 without getting bored and giving up (see #34).

Back on the Baby-Making Train

Well, it's cycle 2, and I think I'm on the verge of ovulating. My chart looks *exactly* like last month's only a little shorter - last month my follicular phase (after period, before O) was long, but I think that was b/c I was just off the pill. This month, it's exactly the same, minus a few extra days. So... it's day 14, and I think I'm going to O tomorrow. Woo!

I picked up some Pre-Seed today after work - it's a fertility-friendly lube. After alll the forced and rushed sex last month, we figured it's worth the 34.99 for 6 pouches (holy shit!!!) to at least enjoy ourselves this month.

I have to say though, month 2 isn't as exciting as month 1 was. Not that I want to make a baby any less, but I'm less excited to read everything and anything about pregnancy, and I'm less anxious, and I'm less excited to tell people we're trying. Last month was brutal - I wanted to tell everyone that I've jumped off the no-baby boat, and landed on the baby-making train. I felt like I needed to shout it from the rooftops - like we had news, even though it wasn't really news.

This month has been more normal. Maybe it's because we're a little stressed over finances, so that's keeping us occupied. We're looking at houses, and it's absolutely nuts. We love our neighbourhood, but the small bungalos start at 500,000. To get anything decent with a good number of bedrooms and 2+ bathrooms, you're looking at 850,000. Nonsense. So we're wrestling - do we settle on the house or the area? Do we buy a crappy house in the area we want and want to upsize in a couple of years, or do we buy a great house off the subway line, and give up the lifestyle we love here? This is our dilemma. We don't have to buy for another year, but still. It's top of mind.

Well, DH is on his way home. A pizza is on its way, and we have some baby-making to do. I hope I do ovulate tomorrow - we've got no plans on a Friday/ Saturday for once!

This may be my last caffeinated coffee for a while

On theBump last night, there was some firey controversy over drinking during the 2WW (the two weeks after ovulation, before a preganancy test). I'm glad it wasn't me getting flamed, but I'm glad someone else brought it up.

I know that it's a personal choice, and with practically everything pregnancy-related, no research definitively condones or condemns it. Everything basically says, "no definitive research has be made..." or "there is no known safe level..." or "some studies have shown... but..." or something to that effect.

My first month TTC, I cut out caffeine and alcohol entirely for the whole 30 days, just to be safe. I met with my doctor early in the month, and her advice was to just start living like I was already pregnant - eat well, sleep well, don't drink, etc. Especially since I had just come off the pill and didn't know what would be normal for my cycles, I had no idea when I would ovulate or conceive, if at all, and I didn't need to throw any other variables into the mix. If I did get pregnant and had any complications early on in pregancy, or even 9 months later, I'd want to look back and know I did everything I could to ensure a healthy pregnancy in those early days.

However, I kept reading on theBump, the "drink till it's pink!" mindset, and was almost embarrassed that I was abstaining. It made me feel kind of silly that I was so worried about my "phantom baby" (a term I hate, as I feel it belittles those who are not yet pregnant but are thinking about pregnancy) But at the same time, I just couldn't buy it when people would say "you don't share a bloodstream with the fetus until 6 weeks anyway." I'm not a doctor, but I can't see the logic in this. If the fetus is dependant on you for nourishment from day 1, would they not also be "dependant" on you for toxins - even if it's not directly through your bloodstream?

Anyway, I decided for cycle 2 that I would live 'normally' until I ovulate, and then I'll cut out caffeine, alcohol, and all of the other no-nos (like soft cheeses and my salacylic acid-based pimple cream). Two weeks isn't really that long to wait to see if you're pregnant (though at the time, it does seem like forever), but it's not like I'm some kind of alcoholic who can't abstain from a glass of wine for two weeks. Even if I'm trying to get pregnant for months or even years, I think holding off during those 2 week periods will give me peace of mind that I'm doing everything I can, right from the start.

I know that my choice would get me ridiculed, if not crucified on theBump, but this is my blog, so whatever. I'm on day 10 of my cycle, and I plan to "live like I'm pregnant" as soon as I see signs of ovulation. I'm glad that someone else brought it up on theBump, and that I didn't. And I'm glad I'm not alone. And with that, I'm going to have a full-caf cappuccino, as it may be the last I have for 10 months.

28 and four quarters

So today's my birthday, and I guess it's not that bad. I've decided to turn 28 again this year. When you're 29, everyone thinks you're already 30 but lying about it, which means you have essentially 2 years of being 30 - no thank you. I choose to be 28 for two years, and then maybe next year I'll turn 30.

I have been so anti-birthday this year, which really isn't very Daphne-like. Originally, we were supposed to be in India over my birthday, which I decided meant I didn't have to get older. I told my family I didn't want to celebrate when we got back --> no cake = no birthday = no getting older. Since we're still in the country, I upheld that I didn't want to celebrate my birthday anyway. No dinner with my mom, brother & sister-in-law, no dinner with my dad, and no dinner with my in-laws. (However, I'll break down and go to London on Sunday though to see my mom. I'm feeling a little sappy today... I blame hormones).

I couldn't get out of doing my birthday with my husband, and really, as much as I protested, I'm glad we're going out for dinner tonight. We're going to the Red Violin Brazillian Steakhouse - we've never been there, and it fits in with my theory that everything's better on a stick. As for my birthday present, my husband is the best thing since sliced bread. He got me a DeLonghi cappuccino/coffee maker. I've been drooling over these beautiful machines since our wedding, and have almost bought one dozens of times, but could never quite justify it. Since DH doesn't drink coffee, it would be a splurge just for me. He bought me an even nicer one than I was looking at check it out.

I've drank more coffee, cappuccino and espresso in the last 36 hours than in the last month combined (he let me open it Monday night, since I've been off work this week and he knew I'd want to play with it). I bought some decaf espresso coffee today, since I'm cutting out the caffeine again starting tomorrow, as we jump back on the TTC train.

Today, I treated myself by going to the spa for a manicure & pedicure, and I got my eyelashes tinted too (I'm looking forward to skipping the mascara every now and then - and still having visible eyelashes!). I'll definitely return to this spa. It was beautiful and calm, and it's right on my way home from work so it's really convenient.

So, for the rest of my day, I'm going to get our Christmas decorations in order so we can do the tree tonight.

As much as I didn't want to get older this year, I guess my 28 4/4 birthday hasn't been half bad.

Days Off

Since we canceled our India trip (no regrets at all now, after all that's going on there) I had 13 vacation days I needed to use. I carried 5 over to 2009 to use before March, which left me with 8 random days to use in a month and a half. I took Monday & Tuesday off last week, and this week, I'm off Monday - Tuesday - Wednesday. The remaining 3 days will be used b/t Christmas and New Years.

Last week, I did absolutely nothing with my time off, and it was everything I wanted it to be. I sat at home, watched countless episodes of A Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby, cooked, ate, and sat on my couch some more. That's it. And it was wonderful. I was getting pretty burnt out at work, so the time off was really needed. Work was freaking crazy Wednesday, but whatever, it was worth it.

This week, I'm doing more with my time. Today, I'm heading downtown to meet my old office-mate at Insurance Hell, Sandy, for lunch. We're going to the Japanese place we used to go to often - I miss that. I don't miss Insurance Hell at all (hooray for The Publisher: The best workplace in the world!) but I miss Sandy, and I miss our lunches. So I'm looking forward to that.

Tomorrow, I'm heading downtown again to meet my sister-in-law and her cousin (-in-law, I guess, since it's her husband's cousin) for some shopping in the afternoon. We're heading to some place where my brother-in-law buys purses for cheap, or something.

Wednesday is my (ugh) 29th birthday, so I'm going to get a manicure/pedicure to try to forget that I'm turning 29. Now that I'm not out of the country, I guess my birthday still has to happen, which really blows.

Ooh, on a birthday positive, I think my wonderful husband may have bought me my long-coveted cappuccino/coffee maker! I can see the box in our foyer, but it's covered in bags so I don't know what it is. It's a big box though! I said I don't want presents (because I want to pretend my birthday didn't happen at all), but I wouldn't say no to the cappuccino maker!

Okay. Off to make some full-caffeine coffee (enjoying it while I have my period, because after that, I'm back to decaf while I TTC) and some breakfast.

*Note: Welcome to any Bump-ers that might be visiting! I finally put a link to my blog in my Bump signature.

Our Creepy VW Routan Baby

VW has this fun "make your baby" tool, so I tried it out.



And this scares the hell out of me:

Awesome. My phantom cyber-baby looks like neither of us, but has an eerie resemblance to a very surprised Yul Brynner.

On to Cycle 2

I had cramps and spotting yesterday afternoon, but it all stopped in the evening - so I was hoping that it was implantation (9DPO)... but no such luck. Mid-morning today, AF showed up. Awesome.


Though it sucks that I'm not pregnant and that my LP was only 9 days this month, I'm not as upset as I thought I'd be. I'm looking at the positives:

1. My first month off the pill, I did ovulate. It can take months for that to return, so I count myself lucky.
   
   
2. I'm going to have some wine with my dinner tonight, and it's going to be fantastic. I haven't drank a drop since the end of October, and it's amazing how much I miss it.



3. I'm having a fully-caffienated coffee tomorrow morning. Decaf sucks.



4. I'm not taking my BBT until after my period is done, in hopes that I can get back to a normal sleep pattern again (I've been setting my alarm for 6 every day for a month (inc. weekends) because you're supposed to temp at the same time each day. Now, I'm waking up HOURS before my alarm, anxious to temp - but this actually screws the temperatures up! I woke up at 3:30 one night, and last night I woke up at 12:30 and grabbed the thermometer still half-asleep. My husband was still awake and had to tell me it's not morning yet)
   
   
   

Hopefully Cycle 2 will be shorter in general, with a longer LP. Fingers crossed!

Everything's better in a wine glass

Apparently, I ovulated last Wednesday - that makes me 6 days post ovulation (DPO), which means at the earliest, I can pee on a stick (POAS) on Saturday. But to get the most accurate results, I should wait until next Wednesday - my birthday! I bought a 2-pack of tests, so I think I'll test both days. If I get a negative on my birthday, it means that I'll have a glass of wine with dinner to try to forget that I had to get older. If I get a positive, I'll ask for some apple juice in a wine glass to celebrate!

One Word (mostly)

Where is your cell phone? counter
Where is your significant other? subway
Hair color? blonde
Your mother? independant
Your father? funny
Your favorite thing? marriage
Your dream last night? unsure
Your dream/goal? pregnancy
The room you’re in? office
Your hobby? baking
Your fear? basements
Where do you want to be in 6 years? house
Where were you last night? home
What you’re not? sleepy
One of your wish-list items? Rudolph DVD
Where you grew up? London
The last thing you did? theBump message boards
What are you wearing? jeans
Your TV? off
Your pet? none :(
Your computer? on
Your mood? impatient
Missing someone? Bev
Favorite store? Winners
Our summer? far away
Love someone? husband
Your favorite color? black
When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
Last time you cried? last month

Dear Santa,

I know that in previous years, I've been a little greedy. I've asked for everything from a pony to a trip around the world, to peace on earth... with a lot of dolls, shoes, and purses thrown in there, too.

This year, I'm taking a step back, and I'm not asking for much. All I want for Christmas this year is a little line on a stick - specifically, a little pink line on a home pregnancy test. If I knew where to get one myself, I'd pick one up and not trouble you with it at all. But you've always been really great about finding the perfect gift, even when I wouldn't know where to find it, so that's why I'm appealing to you.

Since this might be a difficult task for you and I don't want to be a bother, you can give this gift to me and my husband as a joint gift. You don't have to pick him out anything special on top of the line on a stick.

Thanks so much,

Daphne.

Finally, a firm decision

It's completely done: we canceled the India tickets Saturday, last night I finally told my mom (she's weird about plans changing - even if they're not her plans) and I adjusted my vacation request form at work today. Instead of taking 13 work days off together for India, I'm taking a Monday-Tuesday in November, a Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday at the beginning of December (I'm off for my birthday :), 3 days between Christmas and New Years, and I'm carrying 5 over for next year.

It feels so good not to be worried about packing right now.

So I definitely didn't ovulate last weekend. Not sure if I will this month, since the pill likely messed me up. Waiting waiting waiting....

I can't concentrate on anything but baby making. I got absolutely nothing done at work yesterday - I spent the day googling baby stuff and on theBump (I was doing the remote desktop thing to my home computer - I do not google baby stuff on my work computer:) I'm obsessed.
Last night, H (husband) and I were just sitting watching TV and he turns to me and says, "Why do I feel like we have no life now? Like we're just sitting around waiting to be pregnant?" And it's true. Nothing has changed, but now I feel like we're just wasting time. It's driving me nuts.

Anyway, that's it for today. Back to work.

A mathematical equasion

I now understand why people say that trying to get pregnant is exhausting and not a lot of fun. You'd think it would be fun, but honestly, take my word on it. I hate being told what to do on a good day - so being told what to do, how to do it and when to do it by every book and 'expert' is really not a good time. We *think* I ovulated on the weekend (though, since I've been on the pill since I was 16, I really don't know what it's like) so we were on a mission.

My husband is so cute. And mathematical. So there's apparently only a 20% chance that I could get pregnant, based on stats. So he figured we needed to up the odds, by 'trying' at least 5 times while I was ovulating, thereby bringing the % to 100. I know it doesn't work like that, but it was cute anyway.

Long story short, I'm second guessing the Ovulation Predictor Kit's results because they don't match with my body temperature chart. But either way, if I was indeed ovulating, we did everything we could to introduce his guys to my girl. It was weird, mechanical, and decidedly unromantic, but there it is.

So now, we wait 2 weeks, which is going to be killer. But at least the sex will be normal again during this 2 weeks!

My, how things have changed

Okay, so now that I've posted that finally, it's time for an update.

From that discussion, things have snowballed (in a good way). I went off the pill for the first time since I was 16 - having no idea what this would do to my body. Some people don't even start ovulating again for months after the pill or take a long time to get into a predictable cycle. So that was step number 1. And I started taking pre-natal vitamins - which thankfully, don't make me feel as gaggy as regular multi-vitamins do.

We've bought a ton of literature on trying to get pregnant, and just had to wait to see if I'd ovulate. And we started second guessing our trip to India. Is it the right time to go? Should we postpone and try to get my cycle normal instead of traveling? Should we go anyway, and just deal with my potentially raging pms while on vacation? Should we try to conceive now, and risk finding out if I'm pregnant while we're away with his parents halfway around the world?

It's been a couple of weeks of spinning and worrying and reading and figuring out if we can do this now, and trying to convince ourselves that waiting isn't the end of the world. It's not the end of the world - we know that rationally. But tell that to my brain and body. And his, too.

Our tickets to India are bought. The trip is entirely planned out. We're supposed to leave on November 19. But we're canceling today. Here's why - yes, work is nuts - his work is screwed if he goes away, and my boss will go nuts without me right now. But that's not really it. We found out that if we're trying to concieve (TTC), we can't take the malaria tablets we need to go on our trip - they increase the risk of a lot of things, including stillbirths. And if we did go and took the tablets, we'd have to wait 3 months after we go off the tablets before trying again. We hummed and hah'd, and today, we're canceling our tickets. My in-laws think it's because of my husband's work, and just don't understand why he can't tell them "too bad". They're disappointed we're not coming with them. When we find out we're pregnant and are ready to tell them, we'll tell them the real reason we canceled our tickets and I'm sure they'll understand.

So.... we've started tracking my basel body temperature - this helps you pinpoint when you ovulate, and therefore your most fertile time of month. And we bought an ovulation predictor kit (a pee-on-a-stick thing). And long story short, I found out this morning that within the next 24 hours, I think I'm ovulating - my first cycle off the pill. I'm ovulating. So I woke my husband up and told him to brush his teeth and get back to bed. We're having my best friend and her mom stay with us this weekend (they came this morning, will be out all day, but will be back later) so our window of opportunity is small.

So today was the first time in my life that I had sex with the intention of getting pregnant, instead of being fearful that I could get pregnant. It was bizarre. So that settled it - we're not going. We won't be able to take a pregnancy test until the day we should be leaving for India, so we're not going.

And now... we'll 'try' again a few more times over the next 12 hours (when Bev and her mom are out) just to up our chances, and we wait.

The probability is small - only 20% chance that we'll concieve, but wow, would that ever be exciting!

So now I have to wait 2 weeks - a little less if I try one of the early prediction kits, but it still seems like AGES away.

tick tock tick tock

I can't believe how quickly and easily everything in my life has changed.

Turning Over A New Leaf

I haven't blogged in ages, but I'm going to try to get more regular about it. I started writing a blog post a few weeks ago but never finished, so I'm going to post it now unfinished, and then just move on from there.

Started October 20:

I’ve been doing a lot of unexpected soul searching over the last few months, and I’m pretty weirded out by it all. I’ve always been in the “no kids” camp – in fact, I’ve been camp counsellor all my life. I could never picture myself with kids, never wanted that kind of responsibility, and while I liked other people’s kids (to a certain degree – just as I like other people’s dogs: nice to pet in the elevator, but I wouldn’t want to have to walk them every day and for the love of god, can’t you get that thing to stop barking??), I wouldn’t miss them if they weren’t there. In contrast, I have friends who have heard their biological clocks ticking since they were teenagers, and have looked forward to becoming a mother for as long as they could remember. I never thought I had a biological clock – and was perfectly happy with that.

My no-baby policy has always been a bit of a sore spot with my husband and I. I was upfront with him, and he agreed that we certainly have to be on the same page, and if I say ‘no way’, there’s not much he can do about it. But I told him I’d be open-minded, and nothing is set in stone. I knew how much he wanted kids and how much he hoped I’d change my mind, but still, I didn’t ever see it happening.

Then, something weird happened. In June, I attended a funeral for my best friend Bev’s grandma, and the family said such wonderful things about her – how she had passed her values down from generation to generation, how she would live on through the many people she had touched over the years, how proud her children are to see something of her in their children. And for the first time in my life, for a brief moment, I thought about my own life and what it would be like if I became a mom.

Just as quickly, I pushed the thought out of my head because, jeez, that’s nuts! However, over the months, I had more and more thoughts of what it would be like… mostly, I had these thoughts when I was with my brother & his son. NEVER when I was with my husband’s side – the kids are nuts, and the parents have no lives. Not something to aspire to - I'm a firm believer that a couple has to remain a couple, even after kids. If they become nothing more than parents (the marriage was given up for parenthood) there's nothing holding you together later. That's just my two cents - call me a hopeless romantic, but that's what I think.

Anyway, from the occasional 'what if' I've progressed very quickly to the "I want to get pregnant". It's freaking crazy, but it's all I can think about. I guess I did always have a biological clock, but it was dormant or something. I think a lot of it has to do with how solid my marriage is and how great my work is - so very baby-friendly.
So one night, my husband was rambling on about his day and how nuts work is and how they were asking him to cancel our trip to India later this month. He stops and looks at me, and says, "you're stressing about this, aren't you?" I replied, "I can't stop thinking about babies". I think he almost choked.

On thanksgiving weekend, we discussed the possibility of kids years away, and were both cool with it. But now, I want it now and there's nothing that will make it go away. I can't even explain it, but it's like an urgency I've never known. I'm anxious to get on with my life. I feel like we're wasting time - whereas not even a month ago, I couldn't fathom even thinking about a baby for years.

The season of crisp air, falling leaves, and, it seems, layoffs

I was talking with one of my colleagues this morning who thinks her husband might be laid off this afternoon. He has a departmental meeting at 3, and the head of HR is on the attendee list.
That is never good.
Apparently, he wasn't too concerned about it - just thought it was some kind of strategy meeting or whatever - but she reminded him that, "uh honey - I work in HR. Trust me: a 3:00 meeting with everyone and HR is never a good thing."

He's been there for 15 years, so if he is laid off, at least he'll get a good package. And she has a great stable job, so she's not worried at all. She was just surprised by his naiivte, considering that he's been married to her for 20 years and during that time has heard many stories of re-orgs and layoffs. He should know how these things go. A 3:00 meeting usually means that either everyone's being let go at once, or everyone's in the meeting while a few people are noticably absent - being informed of their termination and cleaning out their desk in peace, without the humiliation of having the rest of the department watching.

What is it about this time of year that means layoffs for companies? I wonder if statistically, the fall is a really common month for re-orgs (or "reinventions", as the Internet Franchise called it). It was the first week of November when the Internet Franchise unceremoniously laid off HALF of its employees (me not one of them), and it was the middle of last October that Insurance Hell laid off 4 out of a 14-person team (3 of them being my Communications colleagues) and again, I was spared the pink slip but given loads of extra work (super). I wonder.

Man, am I ever glad I'm not being laid off right now. I actually like my job. I like my boss. I feel that I'm doing meaningful work and I'm recognized for my contributions. It's almost unreal. And she keeps telling me that I'm not allowed to quit, because she'd go crazy. Hooray for job stability :)

A veritable birthday bonanza

My husband's 29th birthday was on Sunday - Friday kicked off what will be a 3-week birthday fest for him involving no fewer than 6 birthday meals with family and friends. This is not because he's some kind of egomaniac who expects the world to revolve around his date of birth (I'm the egomaniac in this relationship, not him) but because... well, just because. Let me list:

1. Friday dinner - birthday with wife
2. Saturday dinner - birthday with friends
3. Sunday lunch - birthday with parents and one sister
4. Sunday dinner - birthday with other sister
5. following Saturday dinner - birthday with crazy mother-in-law
6. following Saturday dinner - birthday with father- and brother-in-law

That doesn't include colleagues from current and previous contracts who wanted to meet up for lunch in honour of the occasion. It's madness.

Anyway, his birthday made me think back to last year at this time. I was trying to write some awful article for Insurance Hell and was going mental. I had stayed up all night writing it, and when I went into work, found out that the manager who had approved the topic hadn't gotten VP approval, and now I had to start from scratch on a new, but equally awful and difficult topic that needed to be approved and submitted to the magazine by noon the next day. One of my managers told me, "I hate having to tell you that you'll have to work on this tonight, but you'll need to manage the approvals process, incorprating changes and such tonight so we can meet our deadline." I was nearly in tears in his office, because that night was my husband's birthday dinner and I couldn't miss it and I have spent way too long on this awful thing and and and...

And I'm so glad I'm not there anymore. My new job is awesome. That is all.

On seasons and birthdays and refusing to get older

I haven't blogged in ages, for no one reason in particular. Nothing important, really - just a combination of being busy at work (which is where I normally blog from), getting a new router at home and not being able to RDP to my home computer from work until it's configured correctly (I'm not dumb enough to blog on my work computer - I always connect to home first), and just being busy. I can't believe it's September. This weekend has been cool - and all of a sudden it feels like fall. I'm not ready for fall.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the autumn as a season. In fact, I quite like it: the crisp air, pretty colours, relaxing weekends (that aren't pre-booked with summer barbeques), pulling cozy sweaters out of hiding and (yes, I'm a girl) shopping for new boots. But there's something ominous about autumn, despite its perks. I know that, no matter how much I wish on a star, winter (that bitch) follows right behind. Autumn is always too short - just when I'm getting into the 'wear a light jacket' swing of things, I wake up one morning to find that Nirvana had it right: Mother Nature is, in fact, a whore. I hate winter. Have I mentioned that before? Hate. I have a December birthday, which has really ALWAYS sucked.


When I was a kid, my friends had these great birthday parties - Becky had pool parties in July. We went apple picking and horseback riding with Bev in October. Even my brother's April birthdays were fun, because sometimes (just sometimes) he'd let me come with him and his friends down to the creek to play by the definitely polluted waters looking for slimy things. But not me. No, I got to go skating (I hate being cold). Or to the movies (to this day, not my favourite thing in the world - I'd rather be outside, actually *talking* to my friends, not sitting in the dark looking forward). Then I just started having indoor parties - sleepovers with the girls. Fun, yes - but not as fun as horseback riding, that's for damn sure. Through University, my birthdays generally sucked, because they were right in the middle of academic hell - my English major friends were frantically writing essays. My friends in other programs were stressing about December exams. Asstastic. We always managed to go out, but there was always an air of "I should be doing something else right now - or I'm going to fail Modern British Lit."


Now that I'm older, birthdays are even less exciting. I live in Toronto, and most of my family & friends are still in London. So that means that I either get to brave the snow-filled 401 to go see them, or, as I tried last year, have my family up here to our place. That was a fiasco. My mom made a big stink about 'I have to drive all by myself..." sob sob drama drama. My sister-in-law made a huge stink for months that we wouldn't be in London for her daughter's birthday party (the date for my party was 5 days after her birthday - and only 1 day before mine. Sorry. Whatever. We were in town the weekend before for the other daughter's party and would be again for every other effing weekend of our lives, so shove it) It was so much un-fun start to finish. My mom and I got in a fight so huge that I told her that fine, I don't want to celebrate, fuck it. Don't come. Whatever. Sorry to put you out because I want to have family up to our place to entertain in our new condo because we finally have room to do so, but if it puts you out that much to drive to Toronto (though we drive there every other weekend), fine. She apologized begrudgingly, but it was a sour party, nonetheless.


So this year, I'm thrilled that I won't be in the country for my birthday. If I'm not here, it doesn't happen. We'll be in India for over 2 weeks, missing not only my birthday, but the two nieces and one nephew on my husband's side as well. Done and done. One trip to India wipes out 6 family celebrations/obligations (3 kids' birthdays + my birthday with my mom, my dad, and my in-laws). Wicked. We'll buy the kids extra-super birthday gifts to make up for missing theirs, but I've decided to just skip mine this year altogether. It's my party and I can skip it if I want to.

Maybe if I just close my eyes and hope, winter won't happen either...?
I'd love to have spring, summer fall.... and then spring again. And hey, since I'm wishing for the unthinkable, can I just stop getting older if I stop having birthday parties? If only...

Why?

Why?? Why would anyone do this? Should there be instructions for this type of thing?

1. Use last bit of toilet paper

2. Take new roll from holder thingy

3. Remove empty roll and replace with new roll.

Not that difficult, if you ask me.

Daphne's about to lose it.

I am so tired of US politics. I live in Canada, and am damn proud that I'm not American, and these horrendous elections are just one example of why I think the US is self-important and over the top.

Suffice it to say that I feel that pretty much everything surrounding the US presidential election is as flashy and over the top. I'm not going to write much more about it, because really, I'm Canadian. It's their country (thank god, not mine), they can rah-rah as much as they want.

I'm just really tired of hearing it all the time. I've blogged before about how obsessed my husband has been about this election that is not ours, and it seems that, despite my best hopes, he's getting MORE interested in it as time goes on. I don't know how much more I can take of it - I'm now reading in bed at night with my iPod on so I can drown out the noise of the TV in the other room. I'm going mental.

I can see that my husband is clearly addressing me, but all I can hear is "Wwah wwah wwah Obama. Wwah wwah wwah Clinton. Wwah wwah wwah election wwah wwah McCain."
I Don't Care. Please stop trying to make me. I don't care if Obama's wife spoke well, or if Clinton's supporting him enough, or if McCain really is just Bush again.
I DON'T CARE.

It's not even just that it doesn't interest me - it goes beyond a general disinterest. It actually makes me angry. Why can't he be obsessed with something less irritating - like collecting figurines or speaking in Vulcan? ANYTHING would be better than this.
I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I miss the days when he'd watch wrestling or UFC and try to explain to me why the 'story behind the story' is what's interesting. Those were the days...

And not once was I told "Remember, you're still on probation!"

So yesterday marked the end of my 6 month probation at the Publisher - yay me! I can't get fired without notice anymore! Not that there was any threat of that here, really. Working in a really functional and fair HR team has its perks.

I went for 2 hour lunch with my boss yesterday to commemorate the end of my probation and to discuss my career path, bring up any issues, etc. and basically, everything's awesome. She asked what 's going well - I said, "my job." She asked what she can do differently or more/less of to be a better manager for me (!) and I said, "let's just keep doing what we're doing." I asked if she's had any feedback on me - positive or negative - that I could use constructively and she said, "I've heard nothing but postive about you - and I try to always pass that along when I hear it."

This place was made for me. It's freaking me out... in a really good way.

So now, I'm going to go see if she wants to get a coffee - just because she's great.

This is by no means my first 'adult' job, but it's certainly the first time I've felt like an adult at a job. I'm not faking it, hoping nobody will notice. I'm not doing the bare minimum because I know I'll want to jump soon. I'm not just getting what I can out of it in order to build my portfolio. I'm actually looking at this job as a CAREER. That's both scary and comforting... it's a weird mix, but it works for me (being the dichotomy that I am).

A little from column A, a little from column B

I’ve always been a walking dichotomy – that’s not new. I’ve never wanted to be just one thing – I want to be that, and the opposite at the same time. It makes perfect sense to me, but I can see that it could be confusing for people trying to figure me out.

I don’t want to be an adult, but I want to be taken seriously like one.
I’m outgoing and gregarious, but I need to be alone just reading or writing to keep myself feeling like me.
I’m a raging feminist, but love the ‘womanly’ things feminists often rage against (I like that I’m *able* to use my sewing machine, but don’t expect me to *use* it!)
I love traveling alone, but then want everyone to share my experiences, somehow.

My husband pointed out another one in Saskatchewan this weekend that I hadn’t thought of before.

I’m a city kid, through and through… until I’m on the farm.

I was showing him around my grandparents’ farm on Friday, wanting him to love the barn and the cows and the wheat fields as much as I do. He just stopped and said, “This is so weird for me – I’d never picture this as you.”

I grew up in a city – my dad’s from Saskatchewan, but moved to Toronto when he was 18 to go to tech school. He didn’t want to take over the family farm, though he was the oldest son of 4. When we were kids, he took my brother and I out pretty much every summer to stay with his parents, hang with his brothers and cousins and their kids. We got into all kinds of trouble (mostly my brother, but me as well) and revelled in the way of life – so much to do, but nothing pressing. So many adventures, but nothing that needed to be accomplished. It was my home away from home, but couldn’t have been more opposite from the home I lived in the other 11 ½ months of the year. As soon as the plane landed in Regina, I was more than just the Ontario cousin – I was an out-of-province Prairie girl.

I had an awesome childhood. My days were carefree and fun, but what I remember most is those 2-3 weeks I spent out there each year, chasing barn cats, shooting tin cans with the 22, playing with my cousins, and roasting marshmallows at our cabin on the lake. That was the me I couldn’t be the rest of the year – just as real as the me I was in Ontario.

My husband has only ever known me as a city girl, besides the time we went to visit my best friend on her farm. He’s always known me as the girl with insensible shoes, who loves her lipgloss and misses her computer when she can’t check her email. But this weekend, I guess he saw the other half of me. He’s far more city than I am – he wasn’t at home out there in the slightest – but he tried, for me. He shot the 22 with me and my dad, he made s’mores for the first time in his life, he walked into the barn with me (but couldn’t understand why I loved the smell), he stared at fields of wheat. He had a good time, but just doesn’t love it they way I do. And that’s totally okay. We’re back in the city, in dress shoes at our desks, and all is well. I left one home for another, and that's okay.

Bright Eyed & Bushy Tailed

"Daphne, why the hell are you blogging at 6:20 in the morning on a Friday?"

Well, I'm glad you asked, dear readers.

I'm waiting for my husband to get the heck ready so we can leave the house. We're heading to Saskatchewan for the weekend (Friday -Monday) to visit my Dad's family. He's never met them, except for my Grandparents and an aunt & uncle at our wedding. There are a lot more of us, and he's in for a treat.

I believe I mentioned before that my husband is not particularly outdoorsy... in that he hates the outdoors. And I'm dragging him to a wheat farm on a gravel road in the middle of the prairies. Yay!

So excited. I used to go to Sask. every summer with my dad & brother when I was young, and I loved every minute of it. Dynamics have changed a bit (I likely won't be chasing the barn cats around or jumping on bales of hay) but the relaxation remains the same. Nothing to do, all the time in the world in which to do it.

Have a great weekend, all. I'm off to look at some fields of wheat (and hopefully get a few pictures of my husband on a tractor or something).

I should try harder (and slower) at learning

Today, I relearned a valuable lesson, for the 10th time (which probably means I should try harder at learning)

Do not try to things quickly, because you will mess them up

It was 10:15. I had a meeting set for 10:30 and an announcement to send out first, and I had to pee. I thought, I'll send this announcement out quickly, then pee, and still have time to get back to my desk before my meeting. I'm so good.

First, I sent the announcement to our admin (who asked me to distribute it) with a little message at the top saying "hey Mel, I put it in the Message from the President template and fixed the second line. I'll send it out to everyone now. ~Daph."

Then, I sent the same announcement - with the message to Mel at the top - out to the whole company.

I run to the bathroom and come back to find Mel and the President's EA looking for me - not a good sign. They told me what happend and I felt like such an arse. I guess it could have been worse - at least I didn't swear or say something inappropriate about the President or something.

Oh, and also, the Recall Message thing in Outlook doesn't work. Everyone in the company recieved my original message, a recall message, and the new message - and could view all 3 of them. If it doesn't actually recall the message, then what the hell's the point??

Filling my brain with good stuff

I went to see a concert on Saturday night, kind of out of the blue. My best friend Bev and her husband Brandon came to TO because they had tickets to see the John Butler Trio, and when they got to our place, they convinced me to go buy a ticket too.

What a fantastic idea.

I'd never heard of them, but B&B are big fans and saw them in concert once when they were living in Australia. It was a bloody fantastic concert, and I highly recommend checking them out. I've never seen that level of skill before - it blew my mind.

I didn't know any of the music, but it didn't even matter. I loved every second of it. JB's guitar solo made my head spin - it sounded like at least two guys on guitar, but it was only him. Nutso. Honestly, check them out. There's a ton of stuff on YouTube, and it's sure to blow your mind.

Brandon bought one of their CDs and gave it to me yesterday as a thank you for providing them with free lodging when they come to TO (as if they need to thank me for that! Bev's been my best friend since practically birth, and I love Brandon to death!).

I'm always humming something (often it's not something I really like), so it's so nice when I'm introduced to new music to fill my brain.

Two quick things to blog about today.

I woke up this morning from a dream about a sheep. We had found a sheep, and he was the sweetest thing in the world and I was going to keep him as a pet. I loved that sheep... but we didn't have enough yard to keep him, so I had to give him away. I was so sad. He was the cutest sheep ever.

I think I miss having a pet. It will take a LOT of convincing and a much bigger house, but eventually, I'm going to win and we're going to get a cat. Or maybe a sheep. My husband really has no use for animals. He wasn't brought up with them, and really just doesn't get it. And he's apparently allergic to cats... though it comes and goes so it's really not that bad, in my mind.

Second, welcome back to Mis(adventure) - my good friend who's back to blogging again. And welcome back to my blog (again)!