On Hold.

I made it through day 12 (woo hoo for having a normal LP!) and tested again this morning - BFN. And now I'm spotting. Boooooo.
I'm pretty damn dissappointed. Not just because I'm not pregnant this cycle, but also because it means we have to wait until April now to start trying again. I was really REALLY hoping we'd be pregnant this cycle so we wouldn't have to wait 3 months, but here we are. April, for eff sake.

The positives (because I'm desperately trying to be positive):

• I can drink. And I will.
• I can screw the decaf for a couple of months and be fully caffeinated again
• I can give my thermometer a break. I know that I should use this break as a chance to get to know my body better, but I really just want to stop setting my alarm for 6 a.m. on weekends again. Maybe I'll still chart through the week, but take weekends off. That might be a good compromise.
• I can stop compulsively checking my CM every time I have to pee.
• I can stop dreading going to the bathroom for fear that I might find that I got my period.
• I can continue using the salacylic acid facewash that I love
• I can try to focus on something else for a change. Everything besides baby-making has been put on hold since we decided to TTC, so maybe it's time to take back my life.
• My husband can stop stressing over whether or not to be house shopping for a few months, at least.
• I can drink. Did I mention that already? Cuz ya, it'll be nice to have some wine.
• We can go back to having normal sex again when we feel like it, not because my thermometer says we probably should.
• I can stop obsessing over my chart at every waking moment of the day.
• I can stop obsessing over theBump. Maybe this will cure my addiction.
• I can stop dreaming about testing every night.

But seriously, shit. Why the hell did I have to get my period??? Eff.

Daphne, the blubbering fool

I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor yesterday to discuss the results of my December ultrasound (feel free to relive the horror here). And great, they did find a cyst on my left ovary, just as my doctor thought she felt during my annual exam.

I was a blubbering mess in her office yesterday - and this is just one of the many reasons why I can't have a male doctor. I can't be a blubbering fool with a man doctor.


Anyway, it doesn't seem like it's the end of the world, though it felt like it yesterday. What sucked most was that she couldn't give me any real answers - she couldn't say what kind of cyst, why it's there, or what it means. It's a small cyst, and it doesn't look cancerous. They don't think it'll be a problem, but I have to do an MRI to be sure (they don't know if it's in my ovary, or around it, or attached). Also, the other stuff they were checking for in the abdominal ultrasound came back normal (my mom has polycystic kidneys, and my materal grandpa died of it).


However, I was told I should lay off trying to get pregnant for now, so they can do the MRI without fear. That's okay though, because we were going to put TTC on hold for a few months now anyway. So I guess if there was a 'good' time to investigate an ovarian cyst, it's now.

Yesterday, after the blubbering, I had to take my contacts out and go to work wearing glasses (which I never do). At the end of the day, my boss says to me, "Daphne, don't take this the wrong way, but whenever you wear your glasses, I always think you look like you're about to cry!" I reassured her: "Oh, that's okay! The only time I actually wear my glasses is if I have a migraine or if I have been crying and my eyes are puffy! It's not the glasses, it's me!"


Anyway, away from my ovaries and occular puffiness, into my uterus:


It's day 11DPO and no temp drop yet or sign of my period. I only made it to 10 last month before the chart nosedive. Here's hoping it's a normal LP this month (but since I'm hoping, would it be too much to ask to be actually pregnant??). I tested yesterday and today - BFN, obviously. I'm so glad we bought the cheap tests from the Pre-Seed website! Wasting a $2.50 test on day 10 is much better than wasting a $12.00 one!

Yesterday, when my husband woke up, he asked me "how are you feeling?". I thought he was referring to the absolutely noxious gas I had been suffering from the night before (well, he suffered from it too ;) I said "fine" and didn't think much of it. Last night he told me what he was really asking about. He says that every morning he hopes I'm going to say that I'm feeling sick - as in, morning sickness. Cute... though in essence, he's hoping his wife feels horrible. But cute nonetheless.

Alas, no nausea, or any other phantom symptoms, for that matter. I'm at 9DPO today. The longest LP I've had so far is 10, so here's hoping. I'll test tomorrow, though I know I'll likely get a -ve that early, even if I was pregnant.


I went back to bed for 15 minutes this morning after I temped, and I dreamt that I POAS and got a faint second line. Here's hoping the dream was prophetic, not just wishful thinking.

Cramps left, so who knows what that was about. Here's where I'm at today at 6DPO:

No time to post, I'm off to my dad's house in London to celebrate his birthday.

Aaaaand....

Now I'm crampy. I spent most of last night thinking that these cramps can only mean my period is coming.

Then I went to the washroom to find more EWCM. What the hell??

My body is seriously Effed UP.

Cautiously optimistic

Well, my ovaries might have come back from vacation on Sunday, it turns out. FF gave me crosshairs today, so I'm hopeful. I'd like my temp to go up more tomorrow though, so DH and I can take a break in good conscience.

Apparently, my ovaries are still on vacation.

What the hell is this:

Day effing 25, and no sign of ovulation?!

Given, I went on vacation, which can throw things off a bit, but seriously! My CM was pointing to day 19, which would have been groovy (I O'd on day 18 last month) but then nothing happened. I was just annoyed, but now I'm pissed. Why have my ovaries forsaken me??

To make matters worse, we're taking 2 months off to avoid yet another November/December baby in the family (really, there's so much family drama every year, it's for the best) so it looks like this is it. Either I ovulate now and it's our last chance, or I don't, and that's it until April. APRIL. That's efftacular.

Seriously ovaries, I get it. Vacation is great. We all love vacation, and I don't begrudge you that. But I let you slack while I was on the pill for 12 bloody years, so I think you should be rested up by now! Now wake up and spit out an egg so my husband and I can get to work fertilizing it, or let me get my damn period so we can take a freaking day off the baby-making!

Rant over. Off to work where I can't stress about my ridiculous temperatures. Daphne out.

Daphne in 2008 - a look back

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Not much, sadly. 2008 was a pretty status quo year. I guess I got a job I loved, and that was new for me.
2. Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Probably not. I’m guessing since I don’t remember if I even made resolutions that I didn’t keep them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister-in-law had a baby boy in September
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My best friend’s grandparents – I’ve known them my whole life, and they were wonderful people.
5. What countries did you visit?
Jamaica, Cuba
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A baby (or at least, a baby bump!)
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 25 – the day I started at my fabulous job.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Got a fantastic job that I can’t picture myself leaving. Wow, sounds like 2008 really was the year of my career, wasn’t it?
9. What was your biggest failure?
I don’t think I really had a big failure in 08
10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
Luckily, no.
11. What was the best thing someone bought you?
A cappuccino machine from my wonderful husband
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
I have no idea what that means
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and/or depressed?
A couple of my in-law’s in-laws. (One sister-in-law’s mother-in-law, and another sister-in-law’s mother- and father-in-law)
14. Where did most of your money go?
Eating out and gifts for family. And I guess a couple of vacations, too.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Potentially going to India (but we didn’t end up going), and the decision to TTC
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
I can’t think of one
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier
b) fatter or skinnier? Hmm… I feel fatter, but probably the same
c) richer or poorer? Richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Saw more friends… it was a year of endless family gatherings, so I seemed to never have time to see my friends.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Driving back and forth to London for family stuff.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
I spent it in London, divided between my mom’s, my dad’s, and my in-laws’.
21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I fall in love with my husband all the time
22. How many one night stands?
negatory
23. What was your favourite TV program?
Probably Mythbusters or Chuck/Heroes Mondays.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. I don’t think I hate anyone. There are people who drive me a little mental, but not hate.
25. What was the best book you read?
Nothing really noteworthy
26. What was your greatest musical discovery of the year?
Nada
27. What did you want and get?
A cappuccino machine
28. What did you want and not get?
Pregnant
29. What was your favourite film of this year?
Not sure… I don’t think I saw a lot of movies in 08
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 28 4/4… or 29. Sigh. I took a vacation day and went to the spa for a pedicure, then went for dinner with my husband.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I think it was really satisfying already
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Shoes. And more shoes. And a lot of new v-neck sweaters – not exactly a fashion concept, but there it is.
33. What kept you sane?
My husband and my manager
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Chuck – or whoever the guy is who plays Chuck on “Chuck”.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
I don’t get stirred by politics.
36. Who do you miss?
My girlfriends
37. What was the best thing you ate?
I have no idea, but judging by how tight my jeans are, I must have eaten a lot of great things.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008?
Wow, I can’t think of a life lesson I learned. That’s sad.

We'll take a coconut full of kindness yet, for auld lang syne

Well, it's officially 2009 and I'm back at work after almost 2 weeks off (I mean, um... at home.... because I wouldn't dare to blog from work, of course). I haven't updated since before Christmas, so I'm going to point-form my updates, in no particular order:

• I rang in the new year in Cuba with my husband, and celebrated with a few glasses of champagne.
• I made it to 10 DPO last month (hooray!) and got my period on Boxing Day morning (boo)
• I spent Christmas Day hopeful of a BFP, though I POAS in the morning to get a BFN
• My 18 month old nephew came to Christmas dinner wearing a shirt that says, "Big Brother" - my sister-in law is expecting their second! They were only at 6 weeks, but didn't know when they'd see us next so wanted to announce it to us and mom. When my sister-in-law asked him, "Ty, do you want a little brother or little sister?" he said, without hesitating, "Little sister!" Awwww.... so cute.
• I had my first wave of horrible, all-consuming jealousy when I saw how excited my brother and sister-in-law were. I finally understood all the girls on theBump - it was my first time feeling the overwhelming "WHY NOT ME?" when they found out someone else was PG. I was hoping all day that I'd get a BFP the next morning so that my SIL and I would be PG together, only 2 weeks apart. I was really, REALLY dissappointed the next morning, and so was DH.
• On the 28th, I went to a Puja for my youngest nephew (a Hindu blessing ceremony, and in this case, it was kind of the Hindu equivalent of a baptism). Apparently, someone at the Puja (some random Uncle that I've only met once at my wedding) asked our friend Paul's parents if I'm pregnant. Awesome. So now there's a rumour going around that I'm pregnant and I'm not. (Though we had Paul tell his mom that we're not, so hopefully that made it back to this gossiping uncle I don't even know). Just proves that I have gained weight, and people have noticed. That sucks. We told my MIL that Paul's mom asked if I'm pregnant and she was furious that her so-called friends are gossiping about me. She didn't even pause to ask if there was any truth to the gossip, just immediately thought they were insinuating that I've put on weight. She's going to be so shocked when we do get to tell her we're pregnant ;) She's not expecting it at all.
• I'm back on the beach today. No, not Playa Esperanza in Cuba (I wish) .... I'm back on South Beach to get rid of my Christmas / All-Inclusive Vacation chub. I'm incredibly motivated to lose this weight. I want to be cute pregnant, not fat pregnant where people just think I'm getting chunky.
• The trip was a great way to skip past the first part of my cycle without stressing about my temperatures. Today's day 12 of my cycle, and I'm back to temping. I just hope the trip didn't push my ovulation date back, but we shall see. Last month I O'd on day 18.
• We're back on the baby-making train as of today. Since we don't really know when I'll O, we're just going to do every-other day this week, and then every day starting on the weekend, from day 16 onward).
• We're expecting a shipment of Pre-Seed this week (hopefully today), and we ordered a bunch of their cheapie PG tests. So this month, I won't feel bad about POAS at 10 DPO.
• I'm actually glad I didn't get PG last month (despite the horrible wave of envy on Christmas), because it meant I could 'go out with a bang' in Cuba with the alcohol and caffeine. And now, I'm back to a dry, caffeine-free existance.
• I hope month 3 of TTC is our month. Third time's a charm....?
• I finally got to drink something out of a coconut! Coconut milk and Malibu rum. MMMMmmmm. That in itself made my vacation. And every drink had a twisty straw in it. Nothing says vacation like twisty straws.
• Christmas at my in-laws' was pretty uneventful, but good. It was weird not getting any presents - we only did gifts for kids this year. Also, because my MIL had just gotten back from India, they didn't have a Christmas tree up. We gathered the presents around the TV. Classy ;)
• We still got spoiled rotten at my mom's on Christmas day.
• I have freckles and am tanned by Daphne standards... but nobody else would know I went away unless I told them. I guess I should just be thankful that I didn't get burnt.
• I miss the beach. I miss the smell of sunscreen. I miss not wearing sweaters and coats and boots. I miss not setting an alarm. I miss not worrying about my temperature or my CM. I miss having normal sex when we want to, not dictated by the day of the month or my temperature. I miss not sitting at a desk. I miss not worrying about getting laundry done or buying groceries. I miss lying on a chaise lounge, reading all afternoon. I miss Cuban music. I miss how relaxed my husband was on vacation.
• I don't miss vacation hair (curly and weird due to the humidity). I don't miss covering my body in sunscreen every few hours. That's about all I miss.

Alright. I guess I should work or something. Happy 2009 everyone!