I’ve been meaning to blog for over a week, but every time I’ve found some time, I just couldn’t be bothered. Winter makes me lazy. But since I don’t feel like working, I shall blog. Nice.

So here’s what’s going on: My best friend Bev just had her baby! A 10 pound baby boy. We’re going to drive to London tomorrow to meet the new little man, and see their first born son for the first time in ages. Can’t wait to spoil another little guy rotten. I love being Aunt Daphne.

I’m in the two-week wait. 7DPO, according to fertility friend, but I think I’m 8DPO. I don’t know why it set my O date the day *after* I had eggwhite and O cramps… it’s a mystery. I’ll start testing on Sunday when I think I’m 10 DPO. We still have 5 cheap pregnancy tests left, plus a digital, so I can pee on sticks as much as I want.

Staying constant - oh, and we're trying this month, it's decided

I'm doing better with my Bump addiction these days. I haven't gone on theBump during work hours recently (maybe just because I've been so damn busy at work, but still, a success is a success). As much as I enjoy reading through the snark and the really helpful posts and having a community of women in the same boat as me, I think it just makes me obsess about my own chart more than is healthy.


So far this month I've been sleeping normally, not waking up at ungodly hours anxious to temp. Maybe this is a good sign for me. Also, my chart isn't nearly as rocky as the past three months have been - I'm pretty much hovering around a constant temp. Hopefully this will make it easier for me to determine my O date than it has been in previous months - no false dips and rises so far.



Alright, I'm off to work. I'm downtown today at another office (we acquired a company in December, so I'm going down to determine their communication needs). Guess I should look it up on a map so I have a clue where I'm going.

Off hold and onto the fence

We don't know what we're doing now.
We're in limbo - to try this month or not to try? If we try, I'll have to push my MRI to the end of the month (and cancel it if I get pregnant). If I get pregnant this month, we'll have yet another November baby in our family - but do we care? I just don't know anymore.

My damn period is still here, so we have some time to decide, but not much.

In other news, my mom's coming up to visit this weekend and I'm actually looking forward to it. I've hardly seen her since Christmas, so it'll be nice to spend some time together. I'm sure I'll change my mind when she's at our place from Friday until Sunday (one day too long, as always) but for today, I'm optimistic.

Work is absolutely mental. I'm trying to prepare the All-Employee Meeting, and I don't know how I'm supposed to get it all done - I could probably work from now until Monday morning with no breaks, and then maybe I'd be ready for next week. Maybe. I may or may not have a nervous breakdown, but at least I know that when February's over, it'll get back to normal again.

On Hold.

I made it through day 12 (woo hoo for having a normal LP!) and tested again this morning - BFN. And now I'm spotting. Boooooo.
I'm pretty damn dissappointed. Not just because I'm not pregnant this cycle, but also because it means we have to wait until April now to start trying again. I was really REALLY hoping we'd be pregnant this cycle so we wouldn't have to wait 3 months, but here we are. April, for eff sake.

The positives (because I'm desperately trying to be positive):

• I can drink. And I will.
• I can screw the decaf for a couple of months and be fully caffeinated again
• I can give my thermometer a break. I know that I should use this break as a chance to get to know my body better, but I really just want to stop setting my alarm for 6 a.m. on weekends again. Maybe I'll still chart through the week, but take weekends off. That might be a good compromise.
• I can stop compulsively checking my CM every time I have to pee.
• I can stop dreading going to the bathroom for fear that I might find that I got my period.
• I can continue using the salacylic acid facewash that I love
• I can try to focus on something else for a change. Everything besides baby-making has been put on hold since we decided to TTC, so maybe it's time to take back my life.
• My husband can stop stressing over whether or not to be house shopping for a few months, at least.
• I can drink. Did I mention that already? Cuz ya, it'll be nice to have some wine.
• We can go back to having normal sex again when we feel like it, not because my thermometer says we probably should.
• I can stop obsessing over my chart at every waking moment of the day.
• I can stop obsessing over theBump. Maybe this will cure my addiction.
• I can stop dreaming about testing every night.

But seriously, shit. Why the hell did I have to get my period??? Eff.

Daphne, the blubbering fool

I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor yesterday to discuss the results of my December ultrasound (feel free to relive the horror here). And great, they did find a cyst on my left ovary, just as my doctor thought she felt during my annual exam.

I was a blubbering mess in her office yesterday - and this is just one of the many reasons why I can't have a male doctor. I can't be a blubbering fool with a man doctor.


Anyway, it doesn't seem like it's the end of the world, though it felt like it yesterday. What sucked most was that she couldn't give me any real answers - she couldn't say what kind of cyst, why it's there, or what it means. It's a small cyst, and it doesn't look cancerous. They don't think it'll be a problem, but I have to do an MRI to be sure (they don't know if it's in my ovary, or around it, or attached). Also, the other stuff they were checking for in the abdominal ultrasound came back normal (my mom has polycystic kidneys, and my materal grandpa died of it).


However, I was told I should lay off trying to get pregnant for now, so they can do the MRI without fear. That's okay though, because we were going to put TTC on hold for a few months now anyway. So I guess if there was a 'good' time to investigate an ovarian cyst, it's now.

Yesterday, after the blubbering, I had to take my contacts out and go to work wearing glasses (which I never do). At the end of the day, my boss says to me, "Daphne, don't take this the wrong way, but whenever you wear your glasses, I always think you look like you're about to cry!" I reassured her: "Oh, that's okay! The only time I actually wear my glasses is if I have a migraine or if I have been crying and my eyes are puffy! It's not the glasses, it's me!"


Anyway, away from my ovaries and occular puffiness, into my uterus:


It's day 11DPO and no temp drop yet or sign of my period. I only made it to 10 last month before the chart nosedive. Here's hoping it's a normal LP this month (but since I'm hoping, would it be too much to ask to be actually pregnant??). I tested yesterday and today - BFN, obviously. I'm so glad we bought the cheap tests from the Pre-Seed website! Wasting a $2.50 test on day 10 is much better than wasting a $12.00 one!

Yesterday, when my husband woke up, he asked me "how are you feeling?". I thought he was referring to the absolutely noxious gas I had been suffering from the night before (well, he suffered from it too ;) I said "fine" and didn't think much of it. Last night he told me what he was really asking about. He says that every morning he hopes I'm going to say that I'm feeling sick - as in, morning sickness. Cute... though in essence, he's hoping his wife feels horrible. But cute nonetheless.

Alas, no nausea, or any other phantom symptoms, for that matter. I'm at 9DPO today. The longest LP I've had so far is 10, so here's hoping. I'll test tomorrow, though I know I'll likely get a -ve that early, even if I was pregnant.


I went back to bed for 15 minutes this morning after I temped, and I dreamt that I POAS and got a faint second line. Here's hoping the dream was prophetic, not just wishful thinking.

Cramps left, so who knows what that was about. Here's where I'm at today at 6DPO:

No time to post, I'm off to my dad's house in London to celebrate his birthday.

Aaaaand....

Now I'm crampy. I spent most of last night thinking that these cramps can only mean my period is coming.

Then I went to the washroom to find more EWCM. What the hell??

My body is seriously Effed UP.

Cautiously optimistic

Well, my ovaries might have come back from vacation on Sunday, it turns out. FF gave me crosshairs today, so I'm hopeful. I'd like my temp to go up more tomorrow though, so DH and I can take a break in good conscience.

Apparently, my ovaries are still on vacation.

What the hell is this:

Day effing 25, and no sign of ovulation?!

Given, I went on vacation, which can throw things off a bit, but seriously! My CM was pointing to day 19, which would have been groovy (I O'd on day 18 last month) but then nothing happened. I was just annoyed, but now I'm pissed. Why have my ovaries forsaken me??

To make matters worse, we're taking 2 months off to avoid yet another November/December baby in the family (really, there's so much family drama every year, it's for the best) so it looks like this is it. Either I ovulate now and it's our last chance, or I don't, and that's it until April. APRIL. That's efftacular.

Seriously ovaries, I get it. Vacation is great. We all love vacation, and I don't begrudge you that. But I let you slack while I was on the pill for 12 bloody years, so I think you should be rested up by now! Now wake up and spit out an egg so my husband and I can get to work fertilizing it, or let me get my damn period so we can take a freaking day off the baby-making!

Rant over. Off to work where I can't stress about my ridiculous temperatures. Daphne out.

We'll take a coconut full of kindness yet, for auld lang syne

Well, it's officially 2009 and I'm back at work after almost 2 weeks off (I mean, um... at home.... because I wouldn't dare to blog from work, of course). I haven't updated since before Christmas, so I'm going to point-form my updates, in no particular order:

• I rang in the new year in Cuba with my husband, and celebrated with a few glasses of champagne.
• I made it to 10 DPO last month (hooray!) and got my period on Boxing Day morning (boo)
• I spent Christmas Day hopeful of a BFP, though I POAS in the morning to get a BFN
• My 18 month old nephew came to Christmas dinner wearing a shirt that says, "Big Brother" - my sister-in law is expecting their second! They were only at 6 weeks, but didn't know when they'd see us next so wanted to announce it to us and mom. When my sister-in-law asked him, "Ty, do you want a little brother or little sister?" he said, without hesitating, "Little sister!" Awwww.... so cute.
• I had my first wave of horrible, all-consuming jealousy when I saw how excited my brother and sister-in-law were. I finally understood all the girls on theBump - it was my first time feeling the overwhelming "WHY NOT ME?" when they found out someone else was PG. I was hoping all day that I'd get a BFP the next morning so that my SIL and I would be PG together, only 2 weeks apart. I was really, REALLY dissappointed the next morning, and so was DH.
• On the 28th, I went to a Puja for my youngest nephew (a Hindu blessing ceremony, and in this case, it was kind of the Hindu equivalent of a baptism). Apparently, someone at the Puja (some random Uncle that I've only met once at my wedding) asked our friend Paul's parents if I'm pregnant. Awesome. So now there's a rumour going around that I'm pregnant and I'm not. (Though we had Paul tell his mom that we're not, so hopefully that made it back to this gossiping uncle I don't even know). Just proves that I have gained weight, and people have noticed. That sucks. We told my MIL that Paul's mom asked if I'm pregnant and she was furious that her so-called friends are gossiping about me. She didn't even pause to ask if there was any truth to the gossip, just immediately thought they were insinuating that I've put on weight. She's going to be so shocked when we do get to tell her we're pregnant ;) She's not expecting it at all.
• I'm back on the beach today. No, not Playa Esperanza in Cuba (I wish) .... I'm back on South Beach to get rid of my Christmas / All-Inclusive Vacation chub. I'm incredibly motivated to lose this weight. I want to be cute pregnant, not fat pregnant where people just think I'm getting chunky.
• The trip was a great way to skip past the first part of my cycle without stressing about my temperatures. Today's day 12 of my cycle, and I'm back to temping. I just hope the trip didn't push my ovulation date back, but we shall see. Last month I O'd on day 18.
• We're back on the baby-making train as of today. Since we don't really know when I'll O, we're just going to do every-other day this week, and then every day starting on the weekend, from day 16 onward).
• We're expecting a shipment of Pre-Seed this week (hopefully today), and we ordered a bunch of their cheapie PG tests. So this month, I won't feel bad about POAS at 10 DPO.
• I'm actually glad I didn't get PG last month (despite the horrible wave of envy on Christmas), because it meant I could 'go out with a bang' in Cuba with the alcohol and caffeine. And now, I'm back to a dry, caffeine-free existance.
• I hope month 3 of TTC is our month. Third time's a charm....?
• I finally got to drink something out of a coconut! Coconut milk and Malibu rum. MMMMmmmm. That in itself made my vacation. And every drink had a twisty straw in it. Nothing says vacation like twisty straws.
• Christmas at my in-laws' was pretty uneventful, but good. It was weird not getting any presents - we only did gifts for kids this year. Also, because my MIL had just gotten back from India, they didn't have a Christmas tree up. We gathered the presents around the TV. Classy ;)
• We still got spoiled rotten at my mom's on Christmas day.
• I have freckles and am tanned by Daphne standards... but nobody else would know I went away unless I told them. I guess I should just be thankful that I didn't get burnt.
• I miss the beach. I miss the smell of sunscreen. I miss not wearing sweaters and coats and boots. I miss not setting an alarm. I miss not worrying about my temperature or my CM. I miss having normal sex when we want to, not dictated by the day of the month or my temperature. I miss not sitting at a desk. I miss not worrying about getting laundry done or buying groceries. I miss lying on a chaise lounge, reading all afternoon. I miss Cuban music. I miss how relaxed my husband was on vacation.
• I don't miss vacation hair (curly and weird due to the humidity). I don't miss covering my body in sunscreen every few hours. That's about all I miss.

Alright. I guess I should work or something. Happy 2009 everyone!

9DPO... and a big temp drop

Well, I made it through day 8 with no cramping or spotting, which is when I got it last month. I'm on day 9 today, and had a big temp drop this morning, which could mean two things: I'm getting my period today / tomorrow, or a fertilized egg is making itself at home in my uterus. I'm betting on scenario 1, but we shall see. I'll take my stupid thermometer to London to temp tomorrow, just to see if it goes back up, but I don't think I'll temp over the holidays otherwise. I don't like the idea of getting up at 6 a.m. on vacation. I don't mind it tomorrow, because I'll be waking up early to fill my mom's stocking anyway. But after that, screw BBT!

So I'm crossing my fingers that I don't get crampy today and I go at least one more day without my period. If I can just get to 10 DPO, I'll know my body could sustain a pregnancy, if I'm lucky enough :)

On a non-pregnancy related note, it's Christmas Eve! Holy crap, when did that happen? It really snuck up on me this year. I just finally started feeling Christmasy on Monday, which is abnormal for me. I think it's because N and I have been really busy and stressed with work, looking at houses, figuring out our finances, and trying to get pregnant. Pretty much since our ill-fated India trip, we've had our minds elsewhere. So it'll be great to just relax for a few days (well, 'relax' with family mayhem all around us, but whatever).

Then, next Tuesday, we're off to Cuba! Can't wait!

Well, off to get some work done. The office is closing at 3, so I should actually be productive for the rest of the day.

Merry Christmas Eve!

Heading into the Holidays

Well, I'm 7DPO. Last month I only made it to 8 DPO and had some cramping, and got my period the next day. Fingers crossed for a longer LP this month!

Provided I don't get my period early, I'll be testing on Christmas morning at my mom's house (which will only be 10 DPO, so I'm expecting a negative). Then, barring no positive test or period, I'll test again on the 29th at 14 DPO. Even if we get a negative this month, I'll count it successful if I at least have a longer LP, meaning that my body *could* sustain a pregnancy.

And the super-exciting thing: We're leaving for Cuba on the 30th! We decided to screw saving money and go away while we can! So the trip will be a celebration either way - if we (fingers crossed) get a big fat positive, we'll be celebrating with virgin cocktails on the beach. If we get a BFN, we'll be ringing in the new year with lots of booze :)

So... I have 8 days to lose 10 pounds before the beach. Not gonna happen, especially over Christmas. Craptacular. My bathing suit definitely does not fit. Crap. So much holiday binging... and it's not even Christmas yet! I'm screwed.

If I was pudgy because I was 3 months pregnant, it would be cute. But pudge due to too many Christmas cookies is not so cute.

I'm sorry, the WHAT-Vag??

I had an ultrasound scheduled for today - abdominal to check on some family history kidney stuff, and pelvic, because my doc. thought she might have felt a cyst during my annual exam.
She did not tell me the pelvic was INTERNAL.

So my temperature shot up this morning. I wake DH up to get a quickie in before I get ready for my 8 a.m. appointment.

I endure 1 full hour of abdominal ultrasound, and then an ultrasound tech comes in to basically train the doctor on pelvic exams. She says to the doctor, "okay, now we'll do the trans-vag..." I'm sorry, the WHAT?? This is when I realize it's an internal exam. I was mortified. I had just had sex 2.5 hours before!

So ya, the two of them poke around in there FOR ANOTHER HOUR, pointing out that I'm ovulating right now (glad I was right - that's the good news) and pointing to some "free fluids" floating around in there, likely related to ovulation (ya... I can guess what that is, and it's indirectly related to ovulation...).

So I'm pissed. First, that they're using me as a training manual for this doctor to poke around in. Second, that this appointment took over 2 hours and I had to head to work covered in ultrasound goo. And most importantly, third, that I had to have this damn ultrasound today of all days, with un-fertility-friendly lube. So now I'm convinced that the poking and prodding (ouch!) and Effing with my PH has wrecked this cycle.

And after all that, I know NOTHING. The technician and doctor were talking to each other the whole time - not to me. So I just heard snippets of things, but they were speaking quietly and I couldn't see the monitor. I think I do have a cyst on my left ovary (because I heard blah blah cystic blah...), but I don't know for sure. And she said a bunch of other scary words (.... endo.... blah blah blah....) but I couldn't hear if she was talking about me in particular, or just people in general.

Pissed. And I feel bruised from the insides out. And I think this month is a write off. Awesome.

Not a good day.

Back on the Baby-Making Train

Well, it's cycle 2, and I think I'm on the verge of ovulating. My chart looks *exactly* like last month's only a little shorter - last month my follicular phase (after period, before O) was long, but I think that was b/c I was just off the pill. This month, it's exactly the same, minus a few extra days. So... it's day 14, and I think I'm going to O tomorrow. Woo!

I picked up some Pre-Seed today after work - it's a fertility-friendly lube. After alll the forced and rushed sex last month, we figured it's worth the 34.99 for 6 pouches (holy shit!!!) to at least enjoy ourselves this month.

I have to say though, month 2 isn't as exciting as month 1 was. Not that I want to make a baby any less, but I'm less excited to read everything and anything about pregnancy, and I'm less anxious, and I'm less excited to tell people we're trying. Last month was brutal - I wanted to tell everyone that I've jumped off the no-baby boat, and landed on the baby-making train. I felt like I needed to shout it from the rooftops - like we had news, even though it wasn't really news.

This month has been more normal. Maybe it's because we're a little stressed over finances, so that's keeping us occupied. We're looking at houses, and it's absolutely nuts. We love our neighbourhood, but the small bungalos start at 500,000. To get anything decent with a good number of bedrooms and 2+ bathrooms, you're looking at 850,000. Nonsense. So we're wrestling - do we settle on the house or the area? Do we buy a crappy house in the area we want and want to upsize in a couple of years, or do we buy a great house off the subway line, and give up the lifestyle we love here? This is our dilemma. We don't have to buy for another year, but still. It's top of mind.

Well, DH is on his way home. A pizza is on its way, and we have some baby-making to do. I hope I do ovulate tomorrow - we've got no plans on a Friday/ Saturday for once!

This may be my last caffeinated coffee for a while

On theBump last night, there was some firey controversy over drinking during the 2WW (the two weeks after ovulation, before a preganancy test). I'm glad it wasn't me getting flamed, but I'm glad someone else brought it up.

I know that it's a personal choice, and with practically everything pregnancy-related, no research definitively condones or condemns it. Everything basically says, "no definitive research has be made..." or "there is no known safe level..." or "some studies have shown... but..." or something to that effect.

My first month TTC, I cut out caffeine and alcohol entirely for the whole 30 days, just to be safe. I met with my doctor early in the month, and her advice was to just start living like I was already pregnant - eat well, sleep well, don't drink, etc. Especially since I had just come off the pill and didn't know what would be normal for my cycles, I had no idea when I would ovulate or conceive, if at all, and I didn't need to throw any other variables into the mix. If I did get pregnant and had any complications early on in pregancy, or even 9 months later, I'd want to look back and know I did everything I could to ensure a healthy pregnancy in those early days.

However, I kept reading on theBump, the "drink till it's pink!" mindset, and was almost embarrassed that I was abstaining. It made me feel kind of silly that I was so worried about my "phantom baby" (a term I hate, as I feel it belittles those who are not yet pregnant but are thinking about pregnancy) But at the same time, I just couldn't buy it when people would say "you don't share a bloodstream with the fetus until 6 weeks anyway." I'm not a doctor, but I can't see the logic in this. If the fetus is dependant on you for nourishment from day 1, would they not also be "dependant" on you for toxins - even if it's not directly through your bloodstream?

Anyway, I decided for cycle 2 that I would live 'normally' until I ovulate, and then I'll cut out caffeine, alcohol, and all of the other no-nos (like soft cheeses and my salacylic acid-based pimple cream). Two weeks isn't really that long to wait to see if you're pregnant (though at the time, it does seem like forever), but it's not like I'm some kind of alcoholic who can't abstain from a glass of wine for two weeks. Even if I'm trying to get pregnant for months or even years, I think holding off during those 2 week periods will give me peace of mind that I'm doing everything I can, right from the start.

I know that my choice would get me ridiculed, if not crucified on theBump, but this is my blog, so whatever. I'm on day 10 of my cycle, and I plan to "live like I'm pregnant" as soon as I see signs of ovulation. I'm glad that someone else brought it up on theBump, and that I didn't. And I'm glad I'm not alone. And with that, I'm going to have a full-caf cappuccino, as it may be the last I have for 10 months.

Our Creepy VW Routan Baby

VW has this fun "make your baby" tool, so I tried it out.



And this scares the hell out of me:

Awesome. My phantom cyber-baby looks like neither of us, but has an eerie resemblance to a very surprised Yul Brynner.

On to Cycle 2

I had cramps and spotting yesterday afternoon, but it all stopped in the evening - so I was hoping that it was implantation (9DPO)... but no such luck. Mid-morning today, AF showed up. Awesome.


Though it sucks that I'm not pregnant and that my LP was only 9 days this month, I'm not as upset as I thought I'd be. I'm looking at the positives:

1. My first month off the pill, I did ovulate. It can take months for that to return, so I count myself lucky.
   
   
2. I'm going to have some wine with my dinner tonight, and it's going to be fantastic. I haven't drank a drop since the end of October, and it's amazing how much I miss it.



3. I'm having a fully-caffienated coffee tomorrow morning. Decaf sucks.



4. I'm not taking my BBT until after my period is done, in hopes that I can get back to a normal sleep pattern again (I've been setting my alarm for 6 every day for a month (inc. weekends) because you're supposed to temp at the same time each day. Now, I'm waking up HOURS before my alarm, anxious to temp - but this actually screws the temperatures up! I woke up at 3:30 one night, and last night I woke up at 12:30 and grabbed the thermometer still half-asleep. My husband was still awake and had to tell me it's not morning yet)
   
   
   

Hopefully Cycle 2 will be shorter in general, with a longer LP. Fingers crossed!

Everything's better in a wine glass

Apparently, I ovulated last Wednesday - that makes me 6 days post ovulation (DPO), which means at the earliest, I can pee on a stick (POAS) on Saturday. But to get the most accurate results, I should wait until next Wednesday - my birthday! I bought a 2-pack of tests, so I think I'll test both days. If I get a negative on my birthday, it means that I'll have a glass of wine with dinner to try to forget that I had to get older. If I get a positive, I'll ask for some apple juice in a wine glass to celebrate!

Dear Santa,

I know that in previous years, I've been a little greedy. I've asked for everything from a pony to a trip around the world, to peace on earth... with a lot of dolls, shoes, and purses thrown in there, too.

This year, I'm taking a step back, and I'm not asking for much. All I want for Christmas this year is a little line on a stick - specifically, a little pink line on a home pregnancy test. If I knew where to get one myself, I'd pick one up and not trouble you with it at all. But you've always been really great about finding the perfect gift, even when I wouldn't know where to find it, so that's why I'm appealing to you.

Since this might be a difficult task for you and I don't want to be a bother, you can give this gift to me and my husband as a joint gift. You don't have to pick him out anything special on top of the line on a stick.

Thanks so much,

Daphne.