Spilling the Beans - telling my family

I've been blog-delinquent this week, mostly because for some reason I've been unable to connect to my home computer from work (boo). This also means I haven't been on theBump through the day, which is probably a good thing considering how swamped I am at work these days. There's just too much to do.


But screw work for a minute - I want to write about last weekend when we told my family the big news! Here's how it went down:


We went to my Mom's on Saturday, and shortly after, my brother, sister-in-law and nephew came over. We were going to do birthday presents for my brother and nephew later, but we told them we had Easter presents for Ty and the baby, and handed them two little packages with Easter cards.


It took some convincing to drag Ty away from his toys, but eventually, he sat with my brother and opened the T-shirt. Trev pulls it out and says, cool! (because it looks like superman). Then he read out "cousin" in a confused voice.


And then silence. Like, nobody got it. Crickets, for like, a minute and I wondered if I was going to have to spell it out for them. Then finally, my sister-in-law says very slowly, "... is Ty going to be a cousin?" and I said "yes, he is!" It took another 30 seconds or so before my mom got it, and she shouted "Oh my god!" Then everyone got up and hugged us and congratulated us. My brother seemed really excited - which was sweet. I expected him to be happy obviously, but he congratulated us on the great news 5 or 6 more times over the weekend.


My mom already invited herself up to stay with us for a week to 'help out' when the baby is born - which totally isn't happening. I told Nick that before - I know we'll be exhausted and kind of lost, but I want to do this just us. After she mentioned it a bunch of times, I eventually suggested that she come up a couple of weeks after to stay, just because Nick will likely be taking off a couple weeks at the beginning, so I'll really appreciate the help when he goes back to work. She agreed. Bullet dodged.

Overall, it went well. They're all really excited for us, and they're sworn to secrecy until I give them the go-ahead.

When we told them that we're telling Nick's family this weekend, my mom said, "okay, I'll be sure not to say anything until after that." Um , NO. You can't tell everyone yet! Not for another month! She was bummed, but understood. I mean, I still haven't had a doctor's appointment yet! For all I know, the baby could have stopped growing and I don't know it (I really hope not, but it's entirely possible).

Ty's big birthday party was on Sunday, and when we were leaving I went up to my brother to say goodbye and he congratulated me again on the great news and hugged me. I think he's really looking forward to being an Uncle. He's an uncle on my SIL's side, but (and I know this sounds terrible) it just means more when it's your own family. I mean, I love the kids on Nick's side to death, but there's just something special about my own brother's son, you know? He's blood.

So tomorrow's the big day with Nick's family.

Here's the plan:


The family's coming to our place to celebrate my MIL's 60th birthday. We're going to make her open her present right at the beginning, even though she'll want to wait for cake. We're going to say something like, "it's your 60th, and we went a little overboard but we couldn't help it. We had to get you something special". Then we have a big necklace/jewellry box wrapped up so she thinks she's getting some Indian jewellry. (this will confuse everyone else too, because the family buys all jewellry through my BIL, and he won't know anything about it). Inside the box, laid out like a necklace, is a bib that says "thank Heaven for little babies". And the cat will be out of the bag :)

And then, I can start soliciting free medical advice from my SIL the doctor :) Like, what the hell can I do about this damn acne??

Okay. I should be working - I'm freaking swamped. So I'm off. Some pictures of my brother and Ty:

9 Weeks - Green Olive

Weekly Pregnancy Journal

How far along: 9 w, 0 d
Total weight gain/loss: + 2.5lb. I feel like a cow and this bloat is out of control.
Maternity clothes: Not yet, but I'm really in need of a comfy pair of yoga pants for the evenings
Stretch marks: No
Sleep: is still filled with weird dreams. The last few days I haven't been as exhausted, and it's been great
Best moment this week: Telling my family!
Movement: Bowels - still moving. Baby - not that I can feel.
Food cravings: Nothing really. Still loving the fruit & yogurt. Anything carby.
Aversions: Nothing specific. The last few days I've actually felt good, so I'm trying to eat better.
Gender: No idea
Labour Signs: None
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: Picking out clothes in the morning and not worrying if they'll fit. My skin - I seem to have traded my complexion with that of a 15 year old, and I would like to have mine back now please.
What I am looking forward to: Next Friday's doctor's appointment! Telling my in-laws this weekend.
Weekly Wisdom: Buy groceries and you won't have to eat crap all the time! Don't let your junk-food-aholic husband talk you into fast food just because it sounds easy.


Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like... well... a baby!

8 Weeks - Raspberry

Weekly Pregnancy Journal

How far along: 8 w, 0 d

Total weight gain/loss: + 3lb. I really need to start watching what I'm eating more. I'm a carb-aholic these days because it calms my stomach, but I'm going to need to do something about that.

Maternity clothes: No, but if I keep this up, it won't be long.

Stretch marks: No

Sleep: is my friend

Best moment this week: Getting the Super Cousin shirts in the mail

Movement: Bowels - still moving. Baby - apparently he/she is moving now, but I can't feel anything.

Food cravings: Nothing specific, but fruit and yogurt always sound good, and anything carby.

Aversions: It depends on the day. I could be totally in the mood for something one minute, and the next the idea of any food makes me feel horrid.

Gender: No idea

Labor Signs: None

Belly Button in or out: In

What I miss: Not worrying constantly. Feeling normal. Not feeling like a cow.

What I am looking forward to: Telling my mom & brother on Saturday. My appointment in 2 weeks to tell me everything's okay. Looking pregnant, not just fat.

Weekly Wisdom: My husband is the most calm man in the world - he can make me chill out even at the worst of times.

Milestones: SPOTTING. Last night. Stringy and light brownish. And no matter how much the books say it's normal, I'm freaking out. FREAKING OUT. Nothing so far this morning, but I've been lying down so it might take a while to show up.

Oh, and my boss told me that our Admin Assistant thinks I'm pregnant because I've been looking really tired lately, I've put on some weight, and she caught me eating some saltines at my desk. She told my boss, "if she's not pregnant, I'm worried about her because she might be sick." Crap. The cat is crawling out of the bag, and I still have a month before I want to tell anyone else at work.

Your baby is growing like mad, putting on about a millimeter every day and continuing to straighten out in the trunk. Though you can't feel it yet, baby is moving those little arms, legs and (now only slightly) webbed fingers and toes like crazy.

Blargh.

Today at lunch, I thought I was doing just fine. I wasn't thinking about my Mr. Noodles - just chatting with the ladies and eating, and the evil nausea fairy seemed to have pissed off for a while.

I look over at two of my colleagues sharing a disgusted look. I give one the "What?" look, and she mouths, "tell you later." okay. I continue with the noodles.

Then, two of the ladies leave to go for a walk (read: smoke) and my friend explains what happened. The one woman had been eating vegetable soup with a plastic spoon, and the spoon was bright orange after her soup. She then - without even wiping it - dug her spoon into her strawberry yogurt and started chowing down.

Just the thought of this made me gag. I honestly thought I was going to have a Mr. Noodle-tastrophe. And I didn't even see the soup/yogurt incident first hand!

Thanks, nausea fairy, for reminding me that I'm pregnant.

Procrastinating

I should be cleaning the condo right now (we have an appraisal at 6 p.m. tonight and the place is a pig sty) but I'm feeling like I could vom after bending over cleaning the tub, so I'm taking a few minutes out to drink some ginger tea. Rosy (our robot vacuum) is still working on our bedroom floor, so I'm still kind of multi-tasking.

So the cutest things arrived in the mail on Thursday:

This is how we're telling my mom, brother and sister-in-law the news on Saturday. We're doing a dinner to celebrate Easter, my brother's birthday and my nephew's birthday all at once. So at the beginning of the evening, we're going to give my B & SIL two boxes to unwrap - one for my nephew, and one for their unborn babe (expected to arrive late August) - as Easter presents. Then they'll open the boxes, and voila!

I'm still apprehensive about telling them before I have a doctor's appointment, but whatever. It's the perfect opportunity even though I'll only be 8 weeks.

On Thursday and Friday my nausea seemed to magically disappear. Of course I was relieved, but also worried (because the lack of symptoms makes me neurotically wonder if there isn't really a baby growing in there, and I'll go to my appointment and tell me it was all for nothing). Despite the worrying, Nick and I went out to Asian Legend on Friday night to celebrate the lack of stomach ick. But lo and behold, the ick is back. I feel generally like ass all the time. The idea of food makes me feel ill. And I can't open the fridge now without feeling like hell, because the Asian Legend leftovers are so smelly. I think I'm going to have to pitch them today because I can't just avoid the fridge forever.

We told Meg & Bryan the news on Saturday night - we went over to their place for Earth Hour and munchies and after Meg ran through the assortment of delicious sangrias and cocktails they could offer me, I told her, "I think I'll have to pass on the alcohol for the next 9 months or so." It was fun telling them, and I then cracked open the bottle of sparkling grape juice I had brought so I could properly cheers with them.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. I should get back to the cleaning.

7 Weeks - Blueberry

Weekly Pregnancy Journal

How far along: 7 w, 0 d

Total weight gain/loss: + 1lb (But I feel so much bigger)

Maternity clothes: No, but I now only have one pair of jeans I can wear without my my bella band

Stretch marks: No

Sleep: is filled with very vivid (and weird) dreams.

Best moment this week: Getting my OB appointment bumped up to 11 weeks

Movement: Bowels - still moving. Baby - not yet.

Food cravings: Anything with marinara sauce. Otherwise, fruit and yogurt are the only things I really want to eat.

Aversions: Lunch. I really don't want lunch.

Gender: No idea

Labor Signs: None

Belly Button in or out: In

What I miss: Feeling normal and not having to keep saltines at the ready just in case. Having the skin of a 29 year old instead of a 15 year old. Wanting to have sex with my husband (he really misses that too). Right now, I'd rather sleep.

What I am looking forward to: Telling my mom & brother next weekend!

Weekly Wisdom: I don't know if ginger ale actually helps the nausea, but it sure does taste good.

Milestones: Um.... I don't really think I hit any milestones this week :(

Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about 100 new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.

Two new ones

Behind my ear. Two giant, pulsating *painful* pimples behind my right ear.

I am so lucky I have hair to cover this disgusting new affliction. I gross myself out.

On all kinds of -ne and becoming even more blind

Acne. Backne. Chestne. NECKne and even SCALPne.

I'm a walking pimple, and it's disgusting. I've had chest zits since my BFP that really don't go away. I can't wear V-neck shirts anymore, and honestly, that's about 90% of my wardrobe - and it's getting too warm to wear turtlenecks.

On the weekend I found a great big ugly zit on my right shoulder. Awesome. Yesterday, one appeared on the left side of my neck - at least my hair covers it. I have them on my scalp for crying out loud. WTF?

And all of this is on top of the raging 15-year-old acne that has taken over my face the last few weeks. One pimple starts to fade, and two more pop up in its place. And no amount of concealer can cover these babies. This is awful. I miss my clean and clear.

Oh, and another fun thing: I think my eyesight is getting worse. I read about this in WTEWYE, and hoped that I wouldn't be plagued with this fun side effect of pregnancy. But I'm afraid I'm not imagining it - everything's getting blurry. I noticed it last week when I was watching TV in bed with my glasses on - I had to tilt my glasses to be able to read the guide. But I thought it wasn't a big deal, because my glasses had an older prescription and I was tired and the TV isn't that big. But yesterday I was trying to read the guide on the living room TV (a 40" TV, so it's not like the writing was small) with my contacts in, and had the same problem. And as I write this, my monitor is fuzzy - and I sit pretty close to it.

So not only am I retaining water around my belly (and thighs), but even my eyes are water logged and fat, and now I can't see. This is awesome.

Remember when I didn't feel pregnant? Ya, me neither.

I'm sneaky and I'm not ashamed of it.

I called my new OB's office this morning and was talking to the receptionist about my first appointment. She informed me that the doc doesn't see anyone until 12 weeks, as that's when all the testing and such begins. Fine. I understand (though it sucks ass). But I explained to her that my GP thought they'd try to get me in to have a look at my cyst at the same time. The receptionist looked at the schedule, and was able to get me in 10 days earlier. It's not much, but it's good enough for me!

I totally pulled the ovarian cyst card, and I'm not ashamed of it.

Woo! I now have an appointment for the 17th at 2:45 p.m. - which is awesome, because we're planning on telling my Dad the next day at dinner. So I'll know if things are okay by then. Sweet. I was worried about that. I'm uncomfortable as it is telling my mom, brother, sister-in-law, and Nick's whole fam before we even have an appointment. But I was REALLY uncomfortable telling my Dad & Susan. They're great and all, but I definitely wouldn't be comfortable with them knowing if anything goes wrong - they're family, but not 'close' like that.

In non baby-related news, I'm officially a klutz and should stop trying to fix things. I was re-staining parts of our floor on the weekend and got a big sploosh of stain on the back of our cream couches. Awesome. I've now spent the better part of 2 days scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing trying to get the purplish brown bloops out of ultrasuede. It's not fun. I'm normally very handy, but this weekend was just not meant to be the 'fix up the condo' weekend as we had originally planned.

There are currently two plumbers in my master bathroom replacing our shower handle thingy - it's been dripping since we moved in, but now it's really bad and we need to get it fixed if we plan to sell this place and move on up to the suburbs.

I don't know why, but I'm kind of uncomfortable with plumbers my own age. They should be my dad's age, for some reason. Greying hair, beer gut, bifocals, and telling stories of all the crazy plumbing issues they've seen over the years. These guys are like 30. Whatever though. As long as it's fixed.

Well, I'm going to head to the kitchen to eat some saltines. Good times. Then when the guys are gone, I think I'll go shopping to hopfully find some shirts that will hide the spare tire I'm cultivating due to (a) eating crackers constantly to keep the m/s at bay, and (b) the full fat-full sugar stuff I'm eating now that I'm trying to cut out the artificial sweeteners.

6 Weeks - Sweet Pea

Weekly Pregnancy Journal

How far along: 6 w, 0 d

Total weight gain/loss: + 2lb

Maternity clothes: No, but I wore my bella band the other day. I am huge.

Stretch marks: No

Sleep: is awesome.

Best moment this week: Finding out when my ultrasound is (though I'm ticked that it's not for another 6 weeks. I'm going to see if I can bump it up, but her office is closed this week)

Movement: Bowels - still moving. Baby - not yet.

Food cravings: Anything that will make this nausea go away - like crackers.

Aversions: Nothing sounds good to me. Does that count?

Gender: No idea

Labor Signs: None

Belly Button in or out: In

What I miss: Getting up in the morning and not feeling like I'm going to vom.

What I am looking forward to: My first OB appointment.

Weekly Wisdom: Saltines are your friend.

Milestones: MORNING SICKNESS







Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks and chin. Those little hands and feet- still webbed like paddles- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.

UGH.

I just about lost it this morning. I feel wretched.

I went out last night to buy some saltines and arrowroot cookies, hoping they'll play nice with my tummy. So this morning, before I got out of bed, I had a couple of arrowroots. I felt okay while I showered, and while I was doing my hair I had a cup of lemon ginger tea, which is supposed to calm the nausea. So far, so good. I'm feeling okay.

I made myself a grilled cheese sandwich to eat on my way to work. I'm just about to walk out the door, and it hits me. A HUGE wave of nausea - way worse than anything I experienced yesterday. I barely kept the tea and cookies down.

I got down to the car and it was all I could do to chew and swawllow a cracker without heaving.

This is not fun.

I was able to eat my grilled cheese and a few more crackers on the way in to work, but I still feel like hell. I think the key is never letting my stomach be empty, but the problem is that no food looks good and the threat of throwing up definitely deters me from eating. Not good.

Oh, and I got a letter in the mail yesterday stating that my first ultrasound with my new OB is on April 28. APRIL. I'll be 12 bloody weeks pregnant by then! This effing sucks. I think I'll try to call and see if they'll do an earlier appointment, but I'm pretty sure I already know what the answer will be.

Okay, I think I get it

So I think I finally feel pregnant.
I think I have the beginnings of morning sickness. Over the weekend it started, and then yesterday and today it's gotten a little worse. I wake up so bloody hungry, I could eat a full-on linebacker breakfast. Like, I might die if I don't eat *everything* right now. But the idea of food makes me feel rather ill. It doesn't matter what breakfast food I'm thinking of, it all sounds gross. But I'm so hungry.... but I feel nasty. On the weekend, I actually turned down steak and eggs (we went to the Keg on Friday, so we had leftovers) both Saturday AND Sunday - it just didn't sound good.

This morning I had a bowl of cereal and a yogurt (and am still hungry), and I think if I let myself think about it for a minute, I could definitely throw it all up.

I hope this general feeling of queasiness is as bad as it gets for me and that I don't actually start tossing my cookies (or, fibre1 cereal, as the case may be) every time I need to eat.

I need to go buy some saltines tonight. And fruit. I really REALLY want fruit.

Oh, and I'm wearing my bella band for the first time today. I'm wearing my favourite jeans - the ones that I had to unzip in the car on the way home from work last week because they were killing me. Today, it wasn't just uncomfortable to do up the top button, it was absolutely impossible. So I broke out the white/lace one today, with a floaty pink shirt I bought last summer. I think that will be key to me hiding my bloat from people at work - wear empire waisted and comfy shirts I already own so people won't think they're maternity shirts. If I go out and buy new shirts, they might suspect. And I definitely don't want them to know I'm knocked up until after my ultrasound (man, I wish I knew when that was scheduled for!)

5 Weeks - Appleseed

Weekly Pregnancy Journal

How far along: 5 w, 0 d
Total weight gain/loss: - 1lb
Maternity clothes: I bought two bella bands online the other day - waiting for them to arrive. I don't have bloat or belly yet, but let's face it - anything that will make these jeans fit better will we welcome.
Stretch marks: Not yet.
Sleep: ... is needed. I napped for 3 hours after dinner last night, then slept all night, and I'm still tired.
Best moment this week: My doctor calling to tell me that the blood test was positive. My husband constantly checking out my enormous boobs.
Movement: Bowels - still moving. Baby - not yet.
Food cravings: Nothing specific, but I could eat EVERYTHING IN MY PATH and not be full.
Food aversions: None.
Gender: No idea
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: Being full after a huge meal.
What I am looking forward to: Feeling pregnant, not just starving.
Weekly Wisdom: Eating *everything* is probably not a wise way to start out a pregnancy - but the key is taking good-for-you snacks to work and eating often.
Milestones: Nothing major since the last report.

Your embryo (looking kind of like a tadpole) is starting to form major organs (heart, kidney, liver, stomach) and systems (nervous, circulatory, digestive). Baby's presence in your uterus triggers production of hCG (the hormone detected by pregnancy tests)... which triggers production of other hormones like estrogen and progesterone... which trigger all those great symptoms you've probably been noticing!

The Symptom Fairy thought it was time for me to shut the eff up

I just woke up from a 3 hour nap after dinner - and I am totally ready for bed. I can't stay awake - and yesterday I was saying how great it is that I'm not exhausted yet.

And my boobs and nipples are freaking enormous (for me, anyway). Last night, Nick was checking me out when I was getting ready for bed and said, "holy crap! I feel like I'm cheating on you! They don't even look like yours!".

Okay Pregnancy Symptom Fairy - I get it. I am, indeed, knocked up. I believe you. Could you lay off the fatigue a bit now? I'd like to not spend the first trimester in a coma every night after dinner. Thanks a bunch. xo, Daphne.

quick message

My doctor called today and left the quickest message on my machine: "Hi Daphne, this is Doctor E, just calling to tell you that the blood work came back positive. Also, could you call us back and confirm your work phone number?"

That's it - she didn't tell me my beta numbers, but whatever. They must be in the range of normal or she'd have said something.

So yay! I'm 'officially' pregnant :)

She wasn't mad at me!

I just got back from my doctor's appointment, and am happy to announce that she wasn't mad at me for getting pregnant before my MRI!

She did a blood test and I'll get my betas back tomorrow. When we were discussing who/where to refer me for my OB/GYN, she said they'll book a 12 week ultrasound for me. I was bummed, and told her I had hoped to have an 8 wk one, which would make it all feel more 'real'. She explained that unless you're a high-risk pregnancy or were doing fertility treatments, I wouldn't see my OB or have a u/s until 12 weeks.

HOWEVER... the cyst on my left ovary did me some good! I was originally scheduled for an MRI at the end of March, which she said they'll likely cancel (she's 90% positive they won't want to do it now, but she's checking). So she said that they can check out the cyst and baby all at once, so she'll bump my u/s up to week 8 or 9!

So hooray for finding a reason for an earlier ultrasound! Glad that cyst was good for something :)

4 Weeks - Poppyseed

I'm going to start doing this survey thingy I've seen on other blogs, just to keep track. I'm mid-week 4, so I'll do it today for week 4, and again when I hit 5w.

Weekly Pregnancy Journal

How far along: 4 w, 4 d

Total weight gain/loss: I got on the scale this morning and almost died. I've never weighed this much before, and I can't really chaulk it up to pregnancy yet.

Maternity clothes: No, but I had to buy some new dress pants for work that fit - not because of bloat or belly, but because I finally admitted that I'm not a size 9 anymore (and haven't been for months) and I won't be again any time soon. The new pants feel fab :)

Stretch marks: Not yet.

Sleep: ... is fine. I'm not feeling exhausted yet. Just normal.

Best moment this week: asking my mother-in-law to stop with the grandchildren pressure because we're still too young (knowing full well that we're going to tell her the news on her 60th birthday dinner at our house - how's that for a birthday present!)

Movement: Bowel movements? Yes. I'm still very regular. As for our little brownie, s/he is only the size of a poppyseed, so I'm hoping that for now, s/he stays put.

Food cravings: None.

Food aversions: I don't know if yesterday's "nothing sounds good" thing was an aversion, or if it's still lingering effects of this cold.

Gender: I still can't believe that I'm growing a baby in there, let alone wrap my head around the fact that it's a boy or a girl!

Labor Signs: I don't even feel pregnant yet!

Belly Button in or out: In

What I miss: Wine with dinner. It would have gone so nicely with my halibut last night. I really need to come up with a fun virgin cocktail to have at restaurants. Last night, I asked to have some apple juice in a wine glass :)

What I am looking forward to: Feeling pregnant. Getting my 8wk appointment booked. Weekly Wisdom: Peeing on sticks constantly (because they're just laying around the house) will both remind you that yes, you're still pregnant, and that you're silly for needing the constant reassurance of those little pink lines to believe you're pregnant.

Milestones: Telling my boss that I'm knocked up! Getting past the fear of a chemical pregnancy. Our little brownie should be all snugged in now.




In week 3, sperm meets egg, and voila: conception! Your little zygote sets off on a six-day trek through your fallopian tubes, dividing and redividing into identical cells as it travels to your uterus.
In week 4, now safe in your womb, the ball of cells (blastocyst) splits in two, becoming the embryo and the placenta. The amniotic sac and fluid are forming around baby, and will act as a cushion for the next eight months.

Killing time on a Monday off work (woo!)

So I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon, and I don't know what to expect. She's just my GP, and won't be my OB, so I think all she'll do is have me pee in a cup (or maybe do a blood test) and then refer me to an OB. Oh, and in there somewhere we'll have to talk about the MRI I have scheduled for March 31 to have a look at that cyst on my ovary. I hope she doesn't get pissed at me for getting pregnant before I had that all worked out.

I'm so excited to get referred to my OB, and get my 8 wk ultrasound booked.

Oh, and I still don't feel pregnant. My boobs are definitely starting to grow though. And I'm hungry all the time still.

And yesterday, no food sounded good. We were at my mother-in-law's for breakfast and she prepared this huge spread, and I hardly ate anything. I took some Pawa (a rice dish she does for brunch) and some cucumbers and tomatoes, but nothing else looked good. But I kept myself busy and my plate full so nobody noticed I hadn't eaten anything of substance. I forced myself to eat dinner, but it still didn't taste good.

Saw this on theBump...

Too true

is this because I'm pregnant, or....

So yesterday I couldn't eat enough. I spent the day absolutely ravenous, despite the meals and snacks. I'm already used to eating snacks between meals because I'm hypoglycemic. But yesterday, it wasn't just a little hunger. It was a hollow black hole in my stomach that no amount of food could fill. And then two hours later, I was starving again.

This morning I woke up starving, despite having a big late dinner at 9:00. And yet, now that I'm eating some toast with peanut butter (hoping the carb/protien combo will help fill me up) I'm feeling very slightly vaguely nauseas. But I don't know if that's the famed bane of pregnant women rearing its ugly head (already?! I'm not even 5 weeks pregnant!) or if it's a byproduct of having low blood sugar due to the hunger, which does happen if I haven't eaten frequently enough. I've been up since 6 and am only eating breakfast now at 7:30 - but that's totally normal for me. Breakfast is always the last thing I do before I leave the house (and sometimes while I'm in the car) so I'm not starving by 9:30.

On one tiny little bitty hand, morning sickness would be almost sort of welcome - but only because it would make me feel pregnant (though I'd gladly accept any other PG symptom in its place). But on the other hand, I'd like to be able to eat my toast (and anything else I want) in peace.

Otherwise, I still don't feel pregnant.

Have I mentioned that I love my job?

So, I told my boss yesterday! I know it's crazy early, but we're really close and it was funny how it came up.

She and I went for coffee yesterday, and when we got back to our department she pulled me into her office and closed the door and said excitedly, "I have news! --no, I'm not pregnant! haha" and then told me that we've won a workplace award that I put an application in for in the fall. So we talked about that for a minute. (note: She's well into her 40s and done with kids, so the "I'm not pregnant" thing was totally a joke)

So the whole time I was thinking, should I tell her? It's such a perfect opportunity!
So after we had talked work for a few minues, I said "So... I have news" She she didn't even hesitate, and said "You're pregnant!" and jumped up, ran around the desk and hugged me.

I told her we just found out and I'm only 3-4 weeks along so it's hush-hush, but she's so excited. And made me promise I'll come back after mat leave because she said she doesn't know what she'll do without me :)

She knew back in the fall that we had decided to start trying, and said yesterday that she was hoping I'd tell her when I had good news but didn't want to pry. I'm so lucky that my boss is awesome.

I did it!

I managed to get up and pee this morning like a normal person - not on a pregnancy test!! I'm so proud of me.

I still have one test left, and I'm sure I'll use it. I'm just still so worried that I'll wake up and not be pregnant anymore. I don't know what the odds are of miscarrying (I could google it, but I'm worried that the truth will terrify me) but I'm worried. Probably have no reason to be, but I am.

We're going to look at some more houses tomorrow, I think. We went Monday night and saw two that I could see us living in. We're cautious, and don't want to sell our condo and buy a house until 2nd Tri (just in case) but we want to know what's on the market, and what neighbourhoods are nice. And really, it's kind of fun :)

My name is Daphne, and I have a problem

I can't stop peeing on sticks.

Even after yesterday's digital, I still *needed* to test again this morning. I still had 2 tests left, and I just really wanted to see a dark pink line - one that I didn't have to squint to see.

So I peed this morning, and there it was: pink, visible, and beautiful. Much darker than Monday's (but still not as dark as the control line).

I seriously have a problem.

Clear Blue says it's true!

So Sunday marked 10 DPO (I eventually overrode Fertility Friend, making my O date Thursday instead of Friday), and I thought I'd start testing at 10.

Somewhere deep down, I suspected I might be pregnant. But I didn't want to get too excited. I had really tender nips, which isn't normal for me even with PMS. Otherwise, no symptoms at all.

So on Sunday, I woke up at 4:30 and took my temp. It went up. And then I could not for the life of me fall back asleep as I kept thinking about what that raised temp could mean. After about a 1/2 hour of trying to sleep, I decided screw it, I'm going to pee on a stick. I told Nick that I'm going to test, and off I go. (BTW, I'm calling him Nick from now on. It's not his real name, but it sounds kind of like his real name. So officially, my husband will be named Nick in cyberspace, just as I am Daphne.)

'Cept that I couldn't find the damn instructions for the tests. We bought a bunch in bulk, and they came with one instruction sheet. I haven't seen it since last month, and I couldn't remember how long I should pee on the stick, and how long until results. Is it 5 seconds of peeing and 10 minutes of waiting? Or 10 seconds of peeing and 5 minutes of waiting??

So I went digging through the pile of papers on our desk, where everything seems to end up eventually after we do a mad-dash de-TTCing of the condo when people are on their way over to our place. Nick is all "what the hell are you doing??". I couldn't find the instructions. Then I went to the company's website and found the online version of the instruction sheet, and off to pee I go. (10 seconds, 10 minutes for these tests)

And lo and behold... something appeared. I woke Nick up fully by turning on his light and told him that I think I see a line. He squinted at it in the light of his bedside lamp, but I eventually made him get up and look at it in the real light.

He said, "I don't know if that's a line, or if it's on the plastic." Not content with his suggestion to wait and test again on Monday, I dug the little plastic cover off, and there it is - a light pink line that definitely isn't the plastic cover.

Shocked and awed, we went back to bed. Got up at 8:30, and tested again. Even fainter, but still there.

(I know you can't see the line in the top one - that still has the plastic on it so it's reflective. But it's there!)

And I tested yesterday too. Still faint, but definitely pink. The prettiest little pink line I've ever seen.

And today... a digital!


So that's it - no denying it! I'm knocked the F up! It's crazy and hard to believe, but Clear Blue says so! Four months of "hard work" and here we are!

I have a doctor's appointment next Monday to do a blood test and whatever else she does. Then she'll refer me to an OB/GYN.

So if all goes well, I'll be a mommy in November! How freaking crazy is that? Just over one year from the time I decided I actually want kids, and we'll have a baby!

WHOA. a baby. A little mix of me and Nick. Holy Crap. We've been joking that when I get pregnant, we'll say that we're baking a little brownie (because I bake all the time, and our babe will likely be a light brown-ish mix between my ghostly whitness and Nick's Indian brown-ness). Holy crap, I have a little brownie in my oven!

So I'm home sick today (stupid cold, and I can't take cold medicine now!) so I'm googling my arse off, and reading the pregnancy books that have been sitting in my bedside table for 4 months.

Here's the BFP chart:

I'm off. Google awaits!

I’ve been meaning to blog for over a week, but every time I’ve found some time, I just couldn’t be bothered. Winter makes me lazy. But since I don’t feel like working, I shall blog. Nice.

So here’s what’s going on: My best friend Bev just had her baby! A 10 pound baby boy. We’re going to drive to London tomorrow to meet the new little man, and see their first born son for the first time in ages. Can’t wait to spoil another little guy rotten. I love being Aunt Daphne.

I’m in the two-week wait. 7DPO, according to fertility friend, but I think I’m 8DPO. I don’t know why it set my O date the day *after* I had eggwhite and O cramps… it’s a mystery. I’ll start testing on Sunday when I think I’m 10 DPO. We still have 5 cheap pregnancy tests left, plus a digital, so I can pee on sticks as much as I want.

Staying constant - oh, and we're trying this month, it's decided

I'm doing better with my Bump addiction these days. I haven't gone on theBump during work hours recently (maybe just because I've been so damn busy at work, but still, a success is a success). As much as I enjoy reading through the snark and the really helpful posts and having a community of women in the same boat as me, I think it just makes me obsess about my own chart more than is healthy.


So far this month I've been sleeping normally, not waking up at ungodly hours anxious to temp. Maybe this is a good sign for me. Also, my chart isn't nearly as rocky as the past three months have been - I'm pretty much hovering around a constant temp. Hopefully this will make it easier for me to determine my O date than it has been in previous months - no false dips and rises so far.



Alright, I'm off to work. I'm downtown today at another office (we acquired a company in December, so I'm going down to determine their communication needs). Guess I should look it up on a map so I have a clue where I'm going.

Off hold and onto the fence

We don't know what we're doing now.
We're in limbo - to try this month or not to try? If we try, I'll have to push my MRI to the end of the month (and cancel it if I get pregnant). If I get pregnant this month, we'll have yet another November baby in our family - but do we care? I just don't know anymore.

My damn period is still here, so we have some time to decide, but not much.

In other news, my mom's coming up to visit this weekend and I'm actually looking forward to it. I've hardly seen her since Christmas, so it'll be nice to spend some time together. I'm sure I'll change my mind when she's at our place from Friday until Sunday (one day too long, as always) but for today, I'm optimistic.

Work is absolutely mental. I'm trying to prepare the All-Employee Meeting, and I don't know how I'm supposed to get it all done - I could probably work from now until Monday morning with no breaks, and then maybe I'd be ready for next week. Maybe. I may or may not have a nervous breakdown, but at least I know that when February's over, it'll get back to normal again.

On Hold.

I made it through day 12 (woo hoo for having a normal LP!) and tested again this morning - BFN. And now I'm spotting. Boooooo.
I'm pretty damn dissappointed. Not just because I'm not pregnant this cycle, but also because it means we have to wait until April now to start trying again. I was really REALLY hoping we'd be pregnant this cycle so we wouldn't have to wait 3 months, but here we are. April, for eff sake.

The positives (because I'm desperately trying to be positive):

• I can drink. And I will.
• I can screw the decaf for a couple of months and be fully caffeinated again
• I can give my thermometer a break. I know that I should use this break as a chance to get to know my body better, but I really just want to stop setting my alarm for 6 a.m. on weekends again. Maybe I'll still chart through the week, but take weekends off. That might be a good compromise.
• I can stop compulsively checking my CM every time I have to pee.
• I can stop dreading going to the bathroom for fear that I might find that I got my period.
• I can continue using the salacylic acid facewash that I love
• I can try to focus on something else for a change. Everything besides baby-making has been put on hold since we decided to TTC, so maybe it's time to take back my life.
• My husband can stop stressing over whether or not to be house shopping for a few months, at least.
• I can drink. Did I mention that already? Cuz ya, it'll be nice to have some wine.
• We can go back to having normal sex again when we feel like it, not because my thermometer says we probably should.
• I can stop obsessing over my chart at every waking moment of the day.
• I can stop obsessing over theBump. Maybe this will cure my addiction.
• I can stop dreaming about testing every night.

But seriously, shit. Why the hell did I have to get my period??? Eff.

Daphne, the blubbering fool

I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor yesterday to discuss the results of my December ultrasound (feel free to relive the horror here). And great, they did find a cyst on my left ovary, just as my doctor thought she felt during my annual exam.

I was a blubbering mess in her office yesterday - and this is just one of the many reasons why I can't have a male doctor. I can't be a blubbering fool with a man doctor.


Anyway, it doesn't seem like it's the end of the world, though it felt like it yesterday. What sucked most was that she couldn't give me any real answers - she couldn't say what kind of cyst, why it's there, or what it means. It's a small cyst, and it doesn't look cancerous. They don't think it'll be a problem, but I have to do an MRI to be sure (they don't know if it's in my ovary, or around it, or attached). Also, the other stuff they were checking for in the abdominal ultrasound came back normal (my mom has polycystic kidneys, and my materal grandpa died of it).


However, I was told I should lay off trying to get pregnant for now, so they can do the MRI without fear. That's okay though, because we were going to put TTC on hold for a few months now anyway. So I guess if there was a 'good' time to investigate an ovarian cyst, it's now.

Yesterday, after the blubbering, I had to take my contacts out and go to work wearing glasses (which I never do). At the end of the day, my boss says to me, "Daphne, don't take this the wrong way, but whenever you wear your glasses, I always think you look like you're about to cry!" I reassured her: "Oh, that's okay! The only time I actually wear my glasses is if I have a migraine or if I have been crying and my eyes are puffy! It's not the glasses, it's me!"


Anyway, away from my ovaries and occular puffiness, into my uterus:


It's day 11DPO and no temp drop yet or sign of my period. I only made it to 10 last month before the chart nosedive. Here's hoping it's a normal LP this month (but since I'm hoping, would it be too much to ask to be actually pregnant??). I tested yesterday and today - BFN, obviously. I'm so glad we bought the cheap tests from the Pre-Seed website! Wasting a $2.50 test on day 10 is much better than wasting a $12.00 one!

Yesterday, when my husband woke up, he asked me "how are you feeling?". I thought he was referring to the absolutely noxious gas I had been suffering from the night before (well, he suffered from it too ;) I said "fine" and didn't think much of it. Last night he told me what he was really asking about. He says that every morning he hopes I'm going to say that I'm feeling sick - as in, morning sickness. Cute... though in essence, he's hoping his wife feels horrible. But cute nonetheless.

Alas, no nausea, or any other phantom symptoms, for that matter. I'm at 9DPO today. The longest LP I've had so far is 10, so here's hoping. I'll test tomorrow, though I know I'll likely get a -ve that early, even if I was pregnant.


I went back to bed for 15 minutes this morning after I temped, and I dreamt that I POAS and got a faint second line. Here's hoping the dream was prophetic, not just wishful thinking.

Cramps left, so who knows what that was about. Here's where I'm at today at 6DPO:

No time to post, I'm off to my dad's house in London to celebrate his birthday.

Aaaaand....

Now I'm crampy. I spent most of last night thinking that these cramps can only mean my period is coming.

Then I went to the washroom to find more EWCM. What the hell??

My body is seriously Effed UP.

Cautiously optimistic

Well, my ovaries might have come back from vacation on Sunday, it turns out. FF gave me crosshairs today, so I'm hopeful. I'd like my temp to go up more tomorrow though, so DH and I can take a break in good conscience.

Apparently, my ovaries are still on vacation.

What the hell is this:

Day effing 25, and no sign of ovulation?!

Given, I went on vacation, which can throw things off a bit, but seriously! My CM was pointing to day 19, which would have been groovy (I O'd on day 18 last month) but then nothing happened. I was just annoyed, but now I'm pissed. Why have my ovaries forsaken me??

To make matters worse, we're taking 2 months off to avoid yet another November/December baby in the family (really, there's so much family drama every year, it's for the best) so it looks like this is it. Either I ovulate now and it's our last chance, or I don't, and that's it until April. APRIL. That's efftacular.

Seriously ovaries, I get it. Vacation is great. We all love vacation, and I don't begrudge you that. But I let you slack while I was on the pill for 12 bloody years, so I think you should be rested up by now! Now wake up and spit out an egg so my husband and I can get to work fertilizing it, or let me get my damn period so we can take a freaking day off the baby-making!

Rant over. Off to work where I can't stress about my ridiculous temperatures. Daphne out.

Daphne in 2008 - a look back

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Not much, sadly. 2008 was a pretty status quo year. I guess I got a job I loved, and that was new for me.
2. Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Probably not. I’m guessing since I don’t remember if I even made resolutions that I didn’t keep them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister-in-law had a baby boy in September
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My best friend’s grandparents – I’ve known them my whole life, and they were wonderful people.
5. What countries did you visit?
Jamaica, Cuba
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A baby (or at least, a baby bump!)
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 25 – the day I started at my fabulous job.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Got a fantastic job that I can’t picture myself leaving. Wow, sounds like 2008 really was the year of my career, wasn’t it?
9. What was your biggest failure?
I don’t think I really had a big failure in 08
10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
Luckily, no.
11. What was the best thing someone bought you?
A cappuccino machine from my wonderful husband
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
I have no idea what that means
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and/or depressed?
A couple of my in-law’s in-laws. (One sister-in-law’s mother-in-law, and another sister-in-law’s mother- and father-in-law)
14. Where did most of your money go?
Eating out and gifts for family. And I guess a couple of vacations, too.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Potentially going to India (but we didn’t end up going), and the decision to TTC
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
I can’t think of one
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier
b) fatter or skinnier? Hmm… I feel fatter, but probably the same
c) richer or poorer? Richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Saw more friends… it was a year of endless family gatherings, so I seemed to never have time to see my friends.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Driving back and forth to London for family stuff.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
I spent it in London, divided between my mom’s, my dad’s, and my in-laws’.
21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I fall in love with my husband all the time
22. How many one night stands?
negatory
23. What was your favourite TV program?
Probably Mythbusters or Chuck/Heroes Mondays.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. I don’t think I hate anyone. There are people who drive me a little mental, but not hate.
25. What was the best book you read?
Nothing really noteworthy
26. What was your greatest musical discovery of the year?
Nada
27. What did you want and get?
A cappuccino machine
28. What did you want and not get?
Pregnant
29. What was your favourite film of this year?
Not sure… I don’t think I saw a lot of movies in 08
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 28 4/4… or 29. Sigh. I took a vacation day and went to the spa for a pedicure, then went for dinner with my husband.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I think it was really satisfying already
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Shoes. And more shoes. And a lot of new v-neck sweaters – not exactly a fashion concept, but there it is.
33. What kept you sane?
My husband and my manager
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Chuck – or whoever the guy is who plays Chuck on “Chuck”.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
I don’t get stirred by politics.
36. Who do you miss?
My girlfriends
37. What was the best thing you ate?
I have no idea, but judging by how tight my jeans are, I must have eaten a lot of great things.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008?
Wow, I can’t think of a life lesson I learned. That’s sad.

We'll take a coconut full of kindness yet, for auld lang syne

Well, it's officially 2009 and I'm back at work after almost 2 weeks off (I mean, um... at home.... because I wouldn't dare to blog from work, of course). I haven't updated since before Christmas, so I'm going to point-form my updates, in no particular order:

• I rang in the new year in Cuba with my husband, and celebrated with a few glasses of champagne.
• I made it to 10 DPO last month (hooray!) and got my period on Boxing Day morning (boo)
• I spent Christmas Day hopeful of a BFP, though I POAS in the morning to get a BFN
• My 18 month old nephew came to Christmas dinner wearing a shirt that says, "Big Brother" - my sister-in law is expecting their second! They were only at 6 weeks, but didn't know when they'd see us next so wanted to announce it to us and mom. When my sister-in-law asked him, "Ty, do you want a little brother or little sister?" he said, without hesitating, "Little sister!" Awwww.... so cute.
• I had my first wave of horrible, all-consuming jealousy when I saw how excited my brother and sister-in-law were. I finally understood all the girls on theBump - it was my first time feeling the overwhelming "WHY NOT ME?" when they found out someone else was PG. I was hoping all day that I'd get a BFP the next morning so that my SIL and I would be PG together, only 2 weeks apart. I was really, REALLY dissappointed the next morning, and so was DH.
• On the 28th, I went to a Puja for my youngest nephew (a Hindu blessing ceremony, and in this case, it was kind of the Hindu equivalent of a baptism). Apparently, someone at the Puja (some random Uncle that I've only met once at my wedding) asked our friend Paul's parents if I'm pregnant. Awesome. So now there's a rumour going around that I'm pregnant and I'm not. (Though we had Paul tell his mom that we're not, so hopefully that made it back to this gossiping uncle I don't even know). Just proves that I have gained weight, and people have noticed. That sucks. We told my MIL that Paul's mom asked if I'm pregnant and she was furious that her so-called friends are gossiping about me. She didn't even pause to ask if there was any truth to the gossip, just immediately thought they were insinuating that I've put on weight. She's going to be so shocked when we do get to tell her we're pregnant ;) She's not expecting it at all.
• I'm back on the beach today. No, not Playa Esperanza in Cuba (I wish) .... I'm back on South Beach to get rid of my Christmas / All-Inclusive Vacation chub. I'm incredibly motivated to lose this weight. I want to be cute pregnant, not fat pregnant where people just think I'm getting chunky.
• The trip was a great way to skip past the first part of my cycle without stressing about my temperatures. Today's day 12 of my cycle, and I'm back to temping. I just hope the trip didn't push my ovulation date back, but we shall see. Last month I O'd on day 18.
• We're back on the baby-making train as of today. Since we don't really know when I'll O, we're just going to do every-other day this week, and then every day starting on the weekend, from day 16 onward).
• We're expecting a shipment of Pre-Seed this week (hopefully today), and we ordered a bunch of their cheapie PG tests. So this month, I won't feel bad about POAS at 10 DPO.
• I'm actually glad I didn't get PG last month (despite the horrible wave of envy on Christmas), because it meant I could 'go out with a bang' in Cuba with the alcohol and caffeine. And now, I'm back to a dry, caffeine-free existance.
• I hope month 3 of TTC is our month. Third time's a charm....?
• I finally got to drink something out of a coconut! Coconut milk and Malibu rum. MMMMmmmm. That in itself made my vacation. And every drink had a twisty straw in it. Nothing says vacation like twisty straws.
• Christmas at my in-laws' was pretty uneventful, but good. It was weird not getting any presents - we only did gifts for kids this year. Also, because my MIL had just gotten back from India, they didn't have a Christmas tree up. We gathered the presents around the TV. Classy ;)
• We still got spoiled rotten at my mom's on Christmas day.
• I have freckles and am tanned by Daphne standards... but nobody else would know I went away unless I told them. I guess I should just be thankful that I didn't get burnt.
• I miss the beach. I miss the smell of sunscreen. I miss not wearing sweaters and coats and boots. I miss not setting an alarm. I miss not worrying about my temperature or my CM. I miss having normal sex when we want to, not dictated by the day of the month or my temperature. I miss not sitting at a desk. I miss not worrying about getting laundry done or buying groceries. I miss lying on a chaise lounge, reading all afternoon. I miss Cuban music. I miss how relaxed my husband was on vacation.
• I don't miss vacation hair (curly and weird due to the humidity). I don't miss covering my body in sunscreen every few hours. That's about all I miss.

Alright. I guess I should work or something. Happy 2009 everyone!

9DPO... and a big temp drop

Well, I made it through day 8 with no cramping or spotting, which is when I got it last month. I'm on day 9 today, and had a big temp drop this morning, which could mean two things: I'm getting my period today / tomorrow, or a fertilized egg is making itself at home in my uterus. I'm betting on scenario 1, but we shall see. I'll take my stupid thermometer to London to temp tomorrow, just to see if it goes back up, but I don't think I'll temp over the holidays otherwise. I don't like the idea of getting up at 6 a.m. on vacation. I don't mind it tomorrow, because I'll be waking up early to fill my mom's stocking anyway. But after that, screw BBT!

So I'm crossing my fingers that I don't get crampy today and I go at least one more day without my period. If I can just get to 10 DPO, I'll know my body could sustain a pregnancy, if I'm lucky enough :)

On a non-pregnancy related note, it's Christmas Eve! Holy crap, when did that happen? It really snuck up on me this year. I just finally started feeling Christmasy on Monday, which is abnormal for me. I think it's because N and I have been really busy and stressed with work, looking at houses, figuring out our finances, and trying to get pregnant. Pretty much since our ill-fated India trip, we've had our minds elsewhere. So it'll be great to just relax for a few days (well, 'relax' with family mayhem all around us, but whatever).

Then, next Tuesday, we're off to Cuba! Can't wait!

Well, off to get some work done. The office is closing at 3, so I should actually be productive for the rest of the day.

Merry Christmas Eve!

Heading into the Holidays

Well, I'm 7DPO. Last month I only made it to 8 DPO and had some cramping, and got my period the next day. Fingers crossed for a longer LP this month!

Provided I don't get my period early, I'll be testing on Christmas morning at my mom's house (which will only be 10 DPO, so I'm expecting a negative). Then, barring no positive test or period, I'll test again on the 29th at 14 DPO. Even if we get a negative this month, I'll count it successful if I at least have a longer LP, meaning that my body *could* sustain a pregnancy.

And the super-exciting thing: We're leaving for Cuba on the 30th! We decided to screw saving money and go away while we can! So the trip will be a celebration either way - if we (fingers crossed) get a big fat positive, we'll be celebrating with virgin cocktails on the beach. If we get a BFN, we'll be ringing in the new year with lots of booze :)

So... I have 8 days to lose 10 pounds before the beach. Not gonna happen, especially over Christmas. Craptacular. My bathing suit definitely does not fit. Crap. So much holiday binging... and it's not even Christmas yet! I'm screwed.

If I was pudgy because I was 3 months pregnant, it would be cute. But pudge due to too many Christmas cookies is not so cute.

I'm sorry, the WHAT-Vag??

I had an ultrasound scheduled for today - abdominal to check on some family history kidney stuff, and pelvic, because my doc. thought she might have felt a cyst during my annual exam.
She did not tell me the pelvic was INTERNAL.

So my temperature shot up this morning. I wake DH up to get a quickie in before I get ready for my 8 a.m. appointment.

I endure 1 full hour of abdominal ultrasound, and then an ultrasound tech comes in to basically train the doctor on pelvic exams. She says to the doctor, "okay, now we'll do the trans-vag..." I'm sorry, the WHAT?? This is when I realize it's an internal exam. I was mortified. I had just had sex 2.5 hours before!

So ya, the two of them poke around in there FOR ANOTHER HOUR, pointing out that I'm ovulating right now (glad I was right - that's the good news) and pointing to some "free fluids" floating around in there, likely related to ovulation (ya... I can guess what that is, and it's indirectly related to ovulation...).

So I'm pissed. First, that they're using me as a training manual for this doctor to poke around in. Second, that this appointment took over 2 hours and I had to head to work covered in ultrasound goo. And most importantly, third, that I had to have this damn ultrasound today of all days, with un-fertility-friendly lube. So now I'm convinced that the poking and prodding (ouch!) and Effing with my PH has wrecked this cycle.

And after all that, I know NOTHING. The technician and doctor were talking to each other the whole time - not to me. So I just heard snippets of things, but they were speaking quietly and I couldn't see the monitor. I think I do have a cyst on my left ovary (because I heard blah blah cystic blah...), but I don't know for sure. And she said a bunch of other scary words (.... endo.... blah blah blah....) but I couldn't hear if she was talking about me in particular, or just people in general.

Pissed. And I feel bruised from the insides out. And I think this month is a write off. Awesome.

Not a good day.

In honour of my 100th post - 100 things about me

(I stole this idea from Kaymee)

1. My real name isn't Daphne - it's a nickname I got at my first highschool job as a baker, because I stood in the kitchen like Daphne from Scooby Doo. I've blogged as Daphne ever since.
2. I love baking - I bake when I'm happy, sad, angry, bored... it always makes me calm.
3. I started my first blog before I went backpacking through Europe. It was my lazy way of writing home without having to write to people personally.
4. I hate talking on the phone, except to my best friend Bev. We can talk for hours.
5. I wish I talked to my brother more than I do.
6. I can't go to Shoppers Drug Mart without buying lipgloss.
7. I have a zillion purses that I never use.
8. I can't stop buying shoes.
9. I'm a natural blonde.
10. I really should shave my legs more often for my husband's sake, but since you can barely see my leg hair, I can't be bothered.
11. My mom's a red head, and I swear, I got my hard-headedness and temper from her.
12. I kept my maiden name, and I struggle with the fact that our child(ren) will have a different name than me. But I don't want to change my name. Most days.
13. I'm one of the lucky few who truly likes their in-laws.
14. I've gotten to know my dad more in the past 6 years than I had my whole life combined.
15. I feel equally at home at my grandparents' house in Saskatchewan as I do in Toronto.
16. I kept my last name because I am so fiercely proud of my dad's family.
17. I don't really speak to anyone on my mom's side. Neither does she.
18. I'm really bad at correspondance.
19. I hate folding laundry.
20. I have terrible finger nails that never grow.
21. I've worn contact lenses since grade 8. I only wear my glasses at home or on weekends.
22. I get migraines every so often.
23. I've faked a migraine on more than one occasion to get a day off work.
24. When I work from home, I mostly watch TV with my email open.
25. I worry that I'll put on weight and always fight with it, like my mom.
26. I wish I knew more of my family heritage.
27. I hate basements. I think my brother jumped out at me one too many times as a child.
28. I hate numbers. I can't remember them (even my phone number), and they bewilder me (just figuring out what to tip on a bill makes me sweat).
29. I am a grammar nut.
30. I love my job, and I love my boss. I think I'm the only person I know who can say that.
31. I've read A Handmaid's Tale and The Princess Bride at least 15 times each.
32. I prefer pesto over tomato sauce 9 times out of 10.
33. I should floss more than I do. But I hate it.
34. I have a short attention span. I'll be gung-ho on something for maybe 2 weeks, then just stop.
35. I can't believe I've been taking pre-natal vitamins for 2 months and haven't missed a day. See #34.
36. I always wanted to eat the Dino Flintstones vitamins when I was a kid.
37. I ran away once - to my best friend's house, 3 crescents over. I got in so much trouble.
38. I was a pain in the ass when I was a kid, and I knew it. My brother was an angel; I drove babysitters away.
39. I lost my virginity at 16 to someone 5 years older than me.
40. I'm the only one of my highschool friend circle who didn't regret their 'first'. We dated for 8 months. He was a good guy.
41. I hate whiney men.
42. Hamlet was my least favourite Shakespearean play, because I just wanted him to make a freaking decision. Either kill Claudius, or don't. Just stop complaining!
43. I love my condo, and am sad that we'll have to move to a house when we get pregnant.
44. At the same time, I'm excited about having a house.
45. I have never mowed a lawn, and don't intend to.
46. I'm very handy. I love building or fixing stuff, and I LOVE power tools.
47. I hate clutter, yet I rarely put things away.
48. I like to wear matching underwear and bras.
49. I love infomercials. I could watch Ron Popeil all day.
50. I love my kitchenaid mixer more than any normal person should love an appliance.
51. I quit my job at Tim Horton's after 7 years there by just walking out 5 minutes into my shift. It just wasn't worth the stress, so I waited for the manager to come in, told her I was leaving, and handed my apron off to the other baker. And then I went to a bridal show with my best friend who was getting married.
52. I don't regret moving to Toronto, but I miss a lot of my girlfriends who still live in London.
53. I could have coffee at any time of day. 3 a.m. espresso? Yes, please!
54. If I hadn't run out of money, I would have never come home from Europe.
55. I now wish my then-boyfriend hadn't come to see me in Rome. I hate that all my memories of Rome are filled with him.
56. I lived with someone (not the Rome boyfriend) for 6 months during University. Looking back, I don't really know why. We hate that guy.
57. I wear far too much black. But it's flattering, so whatever.
58. I've finally come to terms with my pale skin. When I was younger, I tanned. Now, I'm at peace with how bloody white I am.
59. The only time in my life that I had a good tan was the summer I dated the man-whore lifeguard and spent most of my time at the lifeguard cottage. That was a kick-ass summer.
60. I've always wanted to play piano. I have a piano, but that's about as far as it's gotten (see #34).
61. I think I was born in the wrong era. I should have lived in the 40s and 50s.
62. I hate politics. My brain shuts off when The Situation Room is on.
63. I am full of useless facts. I love knowing stupid stuff that will never really come in handy.
64. I think my brother is the coolest guy on the planet.
65. I really used to try to piss my brother off when we were younger, and normally succeeded.
66. I never wanted a sister.
67. I loved being the youngest growing up.
68. I hated babysitting, but did it for a few years.
69. I got my first real job at 15 so I wouldn't have to babysit anymore.
70. I dated a Morman once. It didn't go so well, being that I'm athiest.
71. The only thing I liked about church when I was a kid was that I could sit with Bev. When she stopped going, it sucked.
72. I sang in choir all through school, from kindergarten to University.
73. My stage debut was in kindergarten - We sang "little lamb" at a Christmas concert. I had the solo (the lamb on the hillside) and the rest of the class sang chorus.
74. I remember pretty much every song I ever learned. Even French songs from grade 4.
75. I always have a song in my head - even if it's just a commercial. It's often something I don't particularly like.
76. I can't keep plants alive. This worries me, being that I'm on a quest to become a mother.
77. Motherhood scares the hell out of me... and excites me.
78. I don't want to become my mother, and I think the fear of becoming her is why I never wanted kids until now.
79. There are so many places I still want to travel to. I want to see the world - not just from a lounge chair.
80. I wish I was more active than I am. I'm just not motivated.
81. I can make conversation with pretty well anyone.
82. I hate talking to strangers in the elevator or on a plane... but I can, if I must.
83. I can't eat or even smell oatmeal without gagging. I had a bad experience in grade 1 that I just never got over.
84. I remember throwing up on the floor of Canadian Tire while my mom talked to a sales person about a bike for me. I felt terrible, but I didn't want to bug her because if I pissed her off, I thought she wouldn't buy me the bike. Then I threw up on the floor. She bought me the bike still, but not that day.
85. I loved having the chickenpox when I was a kid. We have a picture of me and my brother covered in calamine lotion - he looked surly, I was in heaven.
86. I've always felt younger than than I am - like I was always a little behind my friends, somehow. I think it's because I was a December baby. Some of my friends were almost a year older than I was.
87. I still have my baby blanket on my pillow at my mom's house. I'm not ashamed of this.
88. I hate the sight of blood. I passed out *before* giving blood at a highschool donor clinic.
89. I'm curious about really obscure things. Like, were people really rested in the winter in the times before electricity? Did they go to bed when it got dark?
90. I can't turn my brain off during sex. I find myself thinking really about really bizarre things and have to bring myself back to the moment.
91. I miss having pets. I hope to convince my husband someday to get a cat.
92. I never really grew out of rainbows and Santa and jumping in puddles.
93. I don't really feel like an adult, and I wonder if my parents, at my age, felt like adults. Probably not.
94. I don't let my husband read my blog, and I normally blog when he's not around. He hates that, but if he read it, how could I blog about him?
95. I'm normally in bed by 10:30 or 11 these days. I used to stay up late, but now I find it's just not worth it. I'm getting old.
96. I was always a bit of a shit disturber in school, but at the same time, I was kind of a teachers' pet. I'm a dichotomy.
97. I'm a sagittarius, and really do embody most of the sagittarian traits.
98. I think I had a past life where I lived in South Carolina. We went there when I was a kid, and visited a plantation. I knew the layout of the house before we were shown things. It freaked my mom out. But I just knew, somehow.
99. I'm hypoglycemic, and have passed out at various times throughout my life. One of those times was at that plantation.
100. I can't believe I actually just made it to 100 without getting bored and giving up (see #34).

Back on the Baby-Making Train

Well, it's cycle 2, and I think I'm on the verge of ovulating. My chart looks *exactly* like last month's only a little shorter - last month my follicular phase (after period, before O) was long, but I think that was b/c I was just off the pill. This month, it's exactly the same, minus a few extra days. So... it's day 14, and I think I'm going to O tomorrow. Woo!

I picked up some Pre-Seed today after work - it's a fertility-friendly lube. After alll the forced and rushed sex last month, we figured it's worth the 34.99 for 6 pouches (holy shit!!!) to at least enjoy ourselves this month.

I have to say though, month 2 isn't as exciting as month 1 was. Not that I want to make a baby any less, but I'm less excited to read everything and anything about pregnancy, and I'm less anxious, and I'm less excited to tell people we're trying. Last month was brutal - I wanted to tell everyone that I've jumped off the no-baby boat, and landed on the baby-making train. I felt like I needed to shout it from the rooftops - like we had news, even though it wasn't really news.

This month has been more normal. Maybe it's because we're a little stressed over finances, so that's keeping us occupied. We're looking at houses, and it's absolutely nuts. We love our neighbourhood, but the small bungalos start at 500,000. To get anything decent with a good number of bedrooms and 2+ bathrooms, you're looking at 850,000. Nonsense. So we're wrestling - do we settle on the house or the area? Do we buy a crappy house in the area we want and want to upsize in a couple of years, or do we buy a great house off the subway line, and give up the lifestyle we love here? This is our dilemma. We don't have to buy for another year, but still. It's top of mind.

Well, DH is on his way home. A pizza is on its way, and we have some baby-making to do. I hope I do ovulate tomorrow - we've got no plans on a Friday/ Saturday for once!

This may be my last caffeinated coffee for a while

On theBump last night, there was some firey controversy over drinking during the 2WW (the two weeks after ovulation, before a preganancy test). I'm glad it wasn't me getting flamed, but I'm glad someone else brought it up.

I know that it's a personal choice, and with practically everything pregnancy-related, no research definitively condones or condemns it. Everything basically says, "no definitive research has be made..." or "there is no known safe level..." or "some studies have shown... but..." or something to that effect.

My first month TTC, I cut out caffeine and alcohol entirely for the whole 30 days, just to be safe. I met with my doctor early in the month, and her advice was to just start living like I was already pregnant - eat well, sleep well, don't drink, etc. Especially since I had just come off the pill and didn't know what would be normal for my cycles, I had no idea when I would ovulate or conceive, if at all, and I didn't need to throw any other variables into the mix. If I did get pregnant and had any complications early on in pregancy, or even 9 months later, I'd want to look back and know I did everything I could to ensure a healthy pregnancy in those early days.

However, I kept reading on theBump, the "drink till it's pink!" mindset, and was almost embarrassed that I was abstaining. It made me feel kind of silly that I was so worried about my "phantom baby" (a term I hate, as I feel it belittles those who are not yet pregnant but are thinking about pregnancy) But at the same time, I just couldn't buy it when people would say "you don't share a bloodstream with the fetus until 6 weeks anyway." I'm not a doctor, but I can't see the logic in this. If the fetus is dependant on you for nourishment from day 1, would they not also be "dependant" on you for toxins - even if it's not directly through your bloodstream?

Anyway, I decided for cycle 2 that I would live 'normally' until I ovulate, and then I'll cut out caffeine, alcohol, and all of the other no-nos (like soft cheeses and my salacylic acid-based pimple cream). Two weeks isn't really that long to wait to see if you're pregnant (though at the time, it does seem like forever), but it's not like I'm some kind of alcoholic who can't abstain from a glass of wine for two weeks. Even if I'm trying to get pregnant for months or even years, I think holding off during those 2 week periods will give me peace of mind that I'm doing everything I can, right from the start.

I know that my choice would get me ridiculed, if not crucified on theBump, but this is my blog, so whatever. I'm on day 10 of my cycle, and I plan to "live like I'm pregnant" as soon as I see signs of ovulation. I'm glad that someone else brought it up on theBump, and that I didn't. And I'm glad I'm not alone. And with that, I'm going to have a full-caf cappuccino, as it may be the last I have for 10 months.

28 and four quarters

So today's my birthday, and I guess it's not that bad. I've decided to turn 28 again this year. When you're 29, everyone thinks you're already 30 but lying about it, which means you have essentially 2 years of being 30 - no thank you. I choose to be 28 for two years, and then maybe next year I'll turn 30.

I have been so anti-birthday this year, which really isn't very Daphne-like. Originally, we were supposed to be in India over my birthday, which I decided meant I didn't have to get older. I told my family I didn't want to celebrate when we got back --> no cake = no birthday = no getting older. Since we're still in the country, I upheld that I didn't want to celebrate my birthday anyway. No dinner with my mom, brother & sister-in-law, no dinner with my dad, and no dinner with my in-laws. (However, I'll break down and go to London on Sunday though to see my mom. I'm feeling a little sappy today... I blame hormones).

I couldn't get out of doing my birthday with my husband, and really, as much as I protested, I'm glad we're going out for dinner tonight. We're going to the Red Violin Brazillian Steakhouse - we've never been there, and it fits in with my theory that everything's better on a stick. As for my birthday present, my husband is the best thing since sliced bread. He got me a DeLonghi cappuccino/coffee maker. I've been drooling over these beautiful machines since our wedding, and have almost bought one dozens of times, but could never quite justify it. Since DH doesn't drink coffee, it would be a splurge just for me. He bought me an even nicer one than I was looking at check it out.

I've drank more coffee, cappuccino and espresso in the last 36 hours than in the last month combined (he let me open it Monday night, since I've been off work this week and he knew I'd want to play with it). I bought some decaf espresso coffee today, since I'm cutting out the caffeine again starting tomorrow, as we jump back on the TTC train.

Today, I treated myself by going to the spa for a manicure & pedicure, and I got my eyelashes tinted too (I'm looking forward to skipping the mascara every now and then - and still having visible eyelashes!). I'll definitely return to this spa. It was beautiful and calm, and it's right on my way home from work so it's really convenient.

So, for the rest of my day, I'm going to get our Christmas decorations in order so we can do the tree tonight.

As much as I didn't want to get older this year, I guess my 28 4/4 birthday hasn't been half bad.

Days Off

Since we canceled our India trip (no regrets at all now, after all that's going on there) I had 13 vacation days I needed to use. I carried 5 over to 2009 to use before March, which left me with 8 random days to use in a month and a half. I took Monday & Tuesday off last week, and this week, I'm off Monday - Tuesday - Wednesday. The remaining 3 days will be used b/t Christmas and New Years.

Last week, I did absolutely nothing with my time off, and it was everything I wanted it to be. I sat at home, watched countless episodes of A Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby, cooked, ate, and sat on my couch some more. That's it. And it was wonderful. I was getting pretty burnt out at work, so the time off was really needed. Work was freaking crazy Wednesday, but whatever, it was worth it.

This week, I'm doing more with my time. Today, I'm heading downtown to meet my old office-mate at Insurance Hell, Sandy, for lunch. We're going to the Japanese place we used to go to often - I miss that. I don't miss Insurance Hell at all (hooray for The Publisher: The best workplace in the world!) but I miss Sandy, and I miss our lunches. So I'm looking forward to that.

Tomorrow, I'm heading downtown again to meet my sister-in-law and her cousin (-in-law, I guess, since it's her husband's cousin) for some shopping in the afternoon. We're heading to some place where my brother-in-law buys purses for cheap, or something.

Wednesday is my (ugh) 29th birthday, so I'm going to get a manicure/pedicure to try to forget that I'm turning 29. Now that I'm not out of the country, I guess my birthday still has to happen, which really blows.

Ooh, on a birthday positive, I think my wonderful husband may have bought me my long-coveted cappuccino/coffee maker! I can see the box in our foyer, but it's covered in bags so I don't know what it is. It's a big box though! I said I don't want presents (because I want to pretend my birthday didn't happen at all), but I wouldn't say no to the cappuccino maker!

Okay. Off to make some full-caffeine coffee (enjoying it while I have my period, because after that, I'm back to decaf while I TTC) and some breakfast.

*Note: Welcome to any Bump-ers that might be visiting! I finally put a link to my blog in my Bump signature.